Episode 77: This New Book Offers 8 Superpowers For Toe-Tingling Love
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Hey, thanks for coming. Welcome to the Love Shack.
What's going on, and welcome to the Love Shack, little, a place where we get to get together, explore fresh perspectives and eavesdrop on juicy conversations and discover the things that really matter while having a little bit of fun along the way. This is episode number 77. Woo woo. And today we are offering up the eight superpowers for toe-tingling love. It's a summary of my brand new book that's out [inaudible] in either direction. this is a cover here and we have been covering the book and going through the chapters one by one in the last several episodes. And today I have my incredible team. Tom, who's always with me, but this lovely lady to my left here is my beautiful daughter and my beautiful everything girl who, if it wasn't for her, none of the tech and none of the magic behind the scenes would be possible as well as a lot of the graphic design. So, Brooke, she is gonna be part of our show because we're celebrating all that she has done to support us and create this wonderful book being brought to the world. So today we're gonna talk about that tingling love thing. That's what we call it, right?
And I love the way that sounds. And I remember that was a phrase that came to me when I first met Tom, my toes were tingling big time. I would feel this electricity all over my body. And I thought as we talk about relationships and we teach what's possible, this is gonna be our benchmark, not only for our relationship but for all people in their relationships, which is so cool. And I've summarized everything that we teach as far as principles in our book today. And we've summarized it into eight incredible superpowers. Because the reality is most people in their relationships, are okay, but far from good and farther, even further from great. We can be afraid of being alone or straying into relationships that are less than what we desire. And quite frankly, we deserve good relationships. The challenge is we've just never been taught how to create them
And toe-tingling love maintaining it is a challenge. It doesn't just happen.
Well, I would say, you know, ask people, you know, that have been together for any period of time, how are you doing? And how's your relationship. Okay, fine. Yeah. F I N E, fine. You know, and we're not about fine, you know, we great. We're about, you know, how about toe tingling? And everybody that we share toe tingling with are like, oh yeah. That's I'm not sure if I've experienced that.
Yeah. So we're Thomas Staci Bartley for any of our new listeners out there. And we are committed to helping cuss rescue their relationships and turn their relationships into this toe-tingling reality. That is absolutely available for all of us. We do this through one on one sessions through this show, this podcast, and also through our new book, that's just out, but we also do this through our signature courses and processes. And so gosh, if you're needing some help and support come and explore what it is we have to offer, and we would love to help you create a toe-tingling relationship in your own life because we now know it's possible.
I would just say, if you're thinking, God, you guys changed your set. And we've not, because we're coming from our east coast headquarters here in Virginia. Staci and I live in California and Brooke lives in Virginia. And so no, we have not changed our, we have changed our set for today and we're excited to be visiting Brooke and her wonderful fiancé during the launch of our book. So we're gonna let you know exactly where to get it. If you're watching live, it's gonna be free. If you want, listen to the podcast, it's free through Sunday, April.
Eric said Virginia is for lovers.
I know. And you know what? We pull up. Eric, you must be Virginian because you pull up at the airport and there's a little sign that says kiss and says goodbye for real the kiss and leave zone. And so Virginia is for lovers. So it's the perfect place for us to do this. And if by chance you are hearing or seeing a beautiful, like enormous small size grizzly bear, or maybe a growl or something in the background, that's our "Grandogter" [inaudible]. And we just want you to know she's here in the room with this as well. So, you know, you're in for a lot of surprises. We're gonna take a quick break and we're gonna come back and we're gonna dive into that eight superpowers that you absolutely can implement into your life, which again is a summary of our new book. We'll be right back
Ad Man (04:39):
I met Staci and, and Tom, about two years ago, I was at a point in my relationship where I was ready to file for divorce. Not that I wanted to, but I just felt hopeless and helpless. I'd been through other counseling and coaching and didn't find any success. With Staci and Tom's methods. I was able to eliminate insecurities, set boundaries, plant my lag, and eliminate rabbit holing. I was separated from my wife for a year and I have since moved back home for the last six months now. I still refer back to a lot of the teaching that Staci and Tom provided and it's helped me. It's well worth it.
Voiceover Man (05:16):
Learn the simple three-step system to rescue your struggling relationship by registering for Staci's brand new free workshop. Reserve your seat by going to Stacibartley.com/workshop.
Voiceover Woman (05:30):
Are you ready to venture off the beaten path? Expand your mind, raise your consciousness and open your heart. Allow me to entice you with interviews with amazing souls from around the world. Indulge in history, mystery science, and spirituality. There are weekly skin tips, live esoteric readings, and answers to life's burning questions. So come join me. Sakura, your host, intuitive, medium, and spiritual hypnotherapist each Wednesday from two to 3:00 PM right here on KKNW for love from the hip.
Hey babe, did you know that the average couple spends only two hours a day with each other? And the majority of that time is spent eating, watching TV, and surfing social media rather than connecting with each other. And if children are involved, my gosh, it's even less time than that.
I know, babe. That's why you created our conversation cards for connection, cuz they're the perfect conversation starter. So the next time you're sitting on the couch rather than turning on the TV or grabbing your phone, pull out a card and get ready for some good old-fashioned laughter and love connection.
You can get your cards at Stacibartley.com.
Voiceover Man (06:30):
There's a reason they invented the internet. It's called 1150 KKNW.com.
Welcome back to the Love Shack live, inside Love Shack live from our east coasts headquarters. We're Tom and Staci Bartley, along with our daughter, Brooke Brown and no you're not seeing triple it's really, for real.
We do kinda look alike.
Don't you think? Great to be here. And you know what, no one wants to be in a relationship. That's just okay. You know, I can't overemphasize that, you know, it's like, how are you doing? How's your wife doing? We're fine. F I N E. As they say here in Roanoke, we're like, we're fine. It's a Southern draw. But anyway, we, we say this very emphatically and passionately we wanna talk about to tingling love. So this is episode 77. Thank you so much for joining us. And we're gonna step right into what we call the heart of the matter. And we're gonna be, this is the culmination of our series that we've done in these last number of episodes around Staci's brand new book. And we're gonna share with you how you can get that for free.
I have a question though. I'm speaking on behalf of the listeners. Is it possible to have to tingling love if you've been married for 30 years and your relationship is fine or do you have to be with someone new?
You know, that's a great question.
That is a great question. And here's what I want you to know about relationships. Relationships we tend to think are stagnant. That there's a place where we just get it all done and we arrive and then we can go, okay. You know, we found the perfect relationship. I'm the perfect person. And we're just gonna ride off into the sunset and look forward to our, you know, white picket fence and our grandkids. And you know, it's gonna be fabulous and what we don't realize or what we've never been taught about relationships is they're constantly rolling over. They're constantly changing and we need them to because if they, don't not only just toe tingling love become elusive, we as human beings become stuck and stagnant. This is something that we don't think about. We never wanna be stagnant and stuck. Right. That's a horrible feeling. We feel like we're breaking down. We're getting depressed. We're bored. We think the best days are behind us. And so, gee, I guess we'll just slog through this and try and clock off a few years.
Can I be very frank?
I like to say some people say that a dynamic toe-tingling relationship is going to be the most challenging thing that you set a goal for. Let's just be honest. I say it's the most complicated and ever-moving, ever-changing situation, the relationship we're ever going to step into.
And especially if you've been.
For a long time and you've, and you've settled into your roles and you say, we have nothing in common and you're both sitting on the couch every night and watching your shows and looking at your phones cuz that's what a lot of people do. And that's what, and they think, you know, there's no hope from you, but we don't fight all the time. So, you know,
I guess it's good enough. Yes. And here's the thing we are always wanting to roll over. I want you to think of your relationship as like something that can continuously be renewed and redeveloped and redesigned because that's how life works. You know, it's a process of geez that worked okay. Let's remember that day when let's do another round of that. Remember when you know, okay. That didn't work and it's all intertwined as we take another day and another day and another day I'll want you to think it more like all the things that we need to do to take care of ourselves. You know, we need to take a bath, we need to do the laundry. We need to clean the house. Yes, yes. Take out the trash. So it's never a place where it's stagnant and you're just done. And regardless of where you are in your relationship, there's always an opportunity for you to stir it up in a good way and implement something that used to be or something that you've always wanted to try. And not only is that true for our relationships, but that's also true for our life. Yeah. And that's what keeps us excited and engaged and aware and wanting to do better because it's always an opportunity to do better, to have more of the things that like light you up, that that opportunity is never gone unless it's gone in your thinking.
Yeah. And I would say that it's when you have come together with someone for the very first time, it's all these first F I R S T S these firsts that we do. And then once those first, you know, your first restaurant you take and your first meal and your first glass of wine.
First, the first time you have sex.
I mean, but.
Your first house, your first time.
And so what we find many of our clients and when we think our relationship has atrophied and there's nothing left there, we think by going to another person, you know, and that may or may not be the case again.
Well, I think it is always the case because when you have that, you have that feeling of excitement, right. And love and rush endorphins and tingling in your stomach and butterflies. You think, okay, I solved it. You know, like this is what I was missing, but then you'll find that all of the problems that you had in your past are gonna find you again in your new relationship. And you're gonna be in the same spot again. I just have one more thing to add. I was in a Facebook group recently. I'm not gonna say the name, cuz I don't wanna expose anybody, but it was a whole bunch of women talking about, you know, like what do you guys do with your spouse as a hobby? And so many women in their forties and fifties, you know, I'm 35, almost 36. So I could relate. They were saying, I don't have anything in common with my spouse. The people who do are so lucky, you know like we don't spend any time together. He goes and golfs or he goes and plays games with his friends or does online gaming. And I just sit and do online shopping or, you know, and I just wanted to say to them, like the reason why couples have good relationships and have stuff in common and do stuff together is because they are trying to. They're the ones who are having that kind of relationship. Aren't lucky they're putting in that effort and making that a priority. So I think we forget that that is a possibility.
Absolutely. We forget that we have the power to create a new. A new beginning, right. As we teach also our clients that there's always an opportunity for a do-over. If there's a mess that you've made if there's something that you've said that was taken the wrong way or you've come in, I often do this coming in from my office at the end of a long day. And I'll come in and go, okay, Tom where's dinner? And I launch into the logistics and then I catch myself and go, I'm so sorry. Let me try that again. Let's do a do-over and I'll literally step back on our front door and close it and just rehearse the way that I wanted to come in, in the first place. Yeah. And I think we forget that those kinds of opportunities are all available to us that we can't do do-overs, but then we have to cover up with a great story as to why I'm entitled to come in. Well, I've had a long day and I've been working and what have you been doing? You know, you're a little [inaudible] on and you're a little. And, and this is true too. As far as the creation of like hobbies, I love what you said, Brooke. It's not about being lucky. It's about making it a priority to where we are going through the exploration of what is a hobby that we can enjoy together? And oftentimes, you know, especially as we climb the ladder of age, we don't like to try new things because we know in trying new things, we're not necessarily gonna be masterful at it. And I think we need to let that whole idea go.
Or it's gonna be embarrassing or something. Yeah.
I mean, I'm going to screw it up. Of course, you are because we all know as humans, that that's what you're gonna do when you're starting to learn and explore things for the very first time. But as Tom and I were doing scooters, for example, a couple of springs ago, because we needed to find some new things to add to our relationship.
Get your visual around that one ladies and gentlemen.
And I'm not talking about a powered scooter.
No, we're talking about the ones that you see the kids use. The razor scooters. With the bike helmet on. Now that's really visual. Yeah, that was, yeah, that was epic.
And Tom, it took me a minute to enroll in this. I did come on. Let's just try, you know, and then, and then I noticed, right. I'm oh gosh, we could hit a rock. We could crash. I mean, it's kind of hard to balance on, are we gonna be safe? I mean, all of these fears started to pop up, which is part of the process when we're trying something new.
And with, one of my grandsons, I did take an epic fall, and it was unbelievably painful. And I did everything I could because my grandson was looking at me again, remember, you have to remember that our children and grandchildren are watching us and it took everything in my power because there wasn't a word said other than he was simply watching me.
Which one was it?
Grant Junior. And that was Ooh. You know, and I had this lovely young couple, sir. Do you need some help? Do you need us to call the ambulance? No, let's see if we can not have that happen, but no, it was, but no, I, I took an epic fault, but yeah, the, again, what is it, I'm thinking of the quote, if the only birds that sang in the forest were the birds that sang well, there would be no singing.
That's so true.
Would you like me to sing?
No. Well, and here's the thing we've got to continuously try new things in our relationships. If it's not working where you are, then anything would be better than trying nothing.
Well, and, and it's so easy, like even Jack and I who have a wonderful, that's my fiancé, we have a wonderful relationship. It's so easy to just say, okay, go do the thing that you do every night and I'll do my thing. And then we'll meet to have dinner and you don't end the spending any time together and nothing is wrong. Like there's not, we're not fighting or something, but that's so easy to just keep the status quo and to just keep doing that, it's challenging to come together and say, what could we do that would be fun. And what could we do that could like invigorate us? But that's, what's gonna lead you to the toe tingling we are talking about.
And I would say, I would say, it's not even, it's not only easy. I would say it's almost it's seductive. The longer that we have been together and we have our patterns and, you know, do it like Brooke just described, you really have to do a lot because energetically you're having to swim against a stream for a moment. Again, this is, I always like to say, this is no different than if in our professional lives, excuse me, or in our athletic lives or in our, if we're choosing to do a new diet, you have to step out of what we've always done and do some things differently because the classic definition of insanity, we all know that one.
Well, and sometimes I think when you're trying something new and it doesn't work out, like say your partner hated the game you played and was like crabby the whole time, you know, or you tried a new recipe and it was gross. And you had to order out instead. Or if you're like doing a dancing class and one of the partners hated it, that can really affect you and be like, oh man, I really messed up. You know, it's better if we just do what we always do, you know?
Or if you go to a play and then after, after 10 minutes, if your spouse starts to fall asleep, yes, that was me, ladies and gentlemen. And it was only eight o'clock. I'm just saying.
It can be. So that can be so defeating that can and make you feel like a fool, you know, like, ugh, why did I even put in effort into this? It was so dumb, you know?
And I want you to realize that that's the risk of any creation that we do, right? There are gonna be things that work and things that don't work. And if we let those things stop us, we're never gonna set ourselves up so that we can explore more things. And that is true. I love theater. I love art.
This was last Friday, by the way, last Friday, this is real-time. Ladies and gentlemen.
I swear. We hadn't been in our seats with our popcorn and our beautiful glass of wine for more than maybe eight minutes. I don't even know that I could give you 10.
Okay. But it was dark, you know, and [inaudible].
Tom has this thing where as he starts to fall asleep, it's a dead giveaway cuz he'll twitch ever so slightly like this, even too much, it's like, it's so subtle. And of course, we're like pushed against each other. And I swear it was like four minutes in and all of a sudden I feel this twitch and I look over and I go and he goes, what, what I go, you are asleep and he goes, no, no, no. I'm not sleeping. I'm like you can't fake the twitch.
And ladies and gentlemen, like the lights, are off. The play had just started it was rather quiet. And Staci's speaking quite loudly, honey, you're embarrassing me and also everyone else around me is realizing that you're, but, I said OK, I got it. I'm sorry. I'll try.
But a tip I would have in situations like this is maybe to have a conversation beforehand with your partner and say, Hey, let's try something new. If you hate it, you can tell me, but I'm not gonna take it personally. You know, because that is, so that affects me so much when, when I put a lot of effort in something or I'm thinking of something fun to do, and then Jack hates it or vice versa that can make you feel so bad about yourself, but it has nothing to do with you.
It does not. And there are two tips I wanna point out there about that. Number one, Tom and I have done many plays. So him falling asleep for minutes doesn't stop us from trying again. And he has actually come away from many plays going, that was so cool.
This one started a little slow.
Yeah. I think it was the drowsy [inaudible]. Just to give a plug for that. That was the one that really kept him engaged. For those of you who love the theater and are trying to drag your partner.
The second thing that I wanna say about that is there's, you know if we're thinking about it, there are, there's always something that we can take away from any experience that is a positive thing. And as we explore in our signature processes about a lease option contract for love, it's a thing. We come back to this lease many, many times. It helps us practice the things that we need to practice the most and have the conversations we need to have. There is a place in that contract. We, where each of the partners will pick some of the activities that they want to explore and new with their partners. And that rule is you get to come along and find something to be joyful. Because when we start to realize these are things that your partner loves and wants to do, there's no greater joy for your partner than allowing you to come along and let them share a piece of themselves with you.
Yeah. But it's not fun if you know the whole time your partner is hating it, cause then you, me, I'm a very guilty person by nature. So I'm always trying to like gauge how he's feeling and like, oh, is he enjoying it? And he is not like that at all. So he's just along for the ride having a great time, but I'm like, oh, are you having a fine time? I need to overcompensate. And that just ruins the whole energy of the evening.
And I think that is a wonderful example, Brooke of how it is that all of this experience in our relationships happens within us. What if I'm worried about my partner having a great time, because I'm overcompensating, not only does that prevent me from having a really good time.
Yes. It ruins it and takes away everything good. Yeah.
And so it's a matter of being able to settle in and say, this is something I enjoy and you may not like it. And that's totally okay. It means nothing about our relationship and what's possible. It means nothing about me. It does mean that this is something I enjoy and that I love. But however, this goes, I don't need to take it personally. Like it's not a make or break it kind of thing. If it doesn't work, you toss it out. And if it does work, then we'll explore doing more.
But that what you just described is the recipe for finding common experiences with your partner. For the people who say they have nothing in common, they need to do exactly what you just said, because even if they still have nothing in common at the end of it, they had a shared experience.
And there are always little takeaways there. You know, I'll give you a really great example that shows up in our relationship a lot. I love to dance. Like I could salsa dance and swing dance and, and ballroom. I mean, give me a dance. That's all line dancing is the only one that maybe. But as I say, okay, Tom's getting [inaudible] And it is, it’s about time where we need to kinda go out and do that every single time. And we've been together for 11 years now, every single time it's like a cat with claws on the carpet and I'm dragging him outta the house. Now, if I took that personally, we would never go. I would never bring it up again. And instead, we all know and have accepted what the deal is. And what's ironic about that is every time we're driving home from wherever it is, we have gone dancing without fail Tom will turn and say, that was so much fun. Why don't we do that more often? And I go, do we have to go through this every time? And the answer is, yes, we have to go through this every time. Because you know, we don't realize in our neurology, right. We have these places that we automatically go. If I say, Hey, let's go to an art museum. And somebody goes, nah, let's go get some sushi. And we shut it down long before we allow ourselves to just step in and have the experience. And however it goes, it's going to be an experience. And I promise you, there's gonna be things that you can take away from it that are good. And things that maybe you don't like. But there's something to be had for everyone. And the point is that you're exploring those.
So we have eight superpowers for toe-tingling love. Why don't we take a stab at going through some of this cause what we have just shared is gonna relate to a lot of these.
Oh my gosh. Well, let's start with the first one. Get to know yourself and your partner and get [inaudible]
[Inaudible] that's basically what you just talked about.
Because it's never a stagnant process. You don't want it to be a stagnant process because then it says the best days of our life and our relationship have happened. And now we're just gonna ride into the sunset and be happy forever. And those two things, we don't realize how incongruent they really are.
Well, and I just want you to talk for a second about contrast because I think this ties perfectly into contrast what you teach in the book about how, if your partner changes their opinion on something and you approach it from, well, you've never done that before. Here's a really silly example. Jack used to tell me that he didn't like red leaf lettuce in his salads. Okay. I make his lunches every week as a gift because he allows me to work from home and it's just a great, you know, it's a great trade-off. Yeah. And it makes me feel good. And, and he gets a healthy lunch. So one week he said, I like red leaf lettuce in my salad. And instead of just saying, okay, I like criticized him about it and said, no, you don't like red leaf lettuce. And he was like, well, I think I know what I like because it's my mouth. And like, so that is silly. I should have just said, okay, great. Why was I so hell-bent on saying, no, I know you better than you know yourself? It's just a very silly example. But I think that happens a lot of times in relationships, you know.
It's a perfect example, of what we don't realize in our insecurities that inevitably come up in our love relationships. It's so funny. Let's, let's just dispel a myth here for a minute because what we think is that when we become the perfect person, we find our person, our soulmate, that our fears and insecurities about who we are and about how to go forward and about our partners are going to be diminished. Yeah. They're not gonna come up anymore, solve that. Nothing could be for, from the truth. In fact, the more you care, the more those things are gonna flash. And we get all bottled up about telling me what the rules are and don't change 'em because that's the only thing I have to go on.
That's what I'm talking about. That's what I wanted you to say.
Yeah. So contrast is part of the deal. And I just want all of our listeners to just reflect back right now. Gosh, let's just look back two years ago before COVID how have you changed your thoughts? What you eat, where you go, and what you entertain yourself with have changed the conversations you're having. And if we were to go back 10 years or even back to childhood, just notice the things that you used to love to do. Like I used to pretend like I was a vet and I'd go around the neighborhood and like take care of all the animals. I don't do that anymore. Folks. I just need you to know.
I guess it'd be weird if you did.
If I was knocking on my neighbor's doors, you know, going can I check on your cat? I'm a vet with my little bag,
We don't realize that that's part of life. Yeah. Things change. I mean, think about the seasons that change. It's so normal and natural in the world in which we live. And it's also natural inside of ourselves.
And in our relationships. And I would have to say that's, we talk about it often if you listen to us for any period of time that this is never a set and forget it process, it's the most dynamic thing as I just shared. So get to know yourself and your partner over and over again, ladies and gentlemen. That's simply how it goes. So rather than trying to repel that, how about if we embrace that?
But that's, and, and not only not repel it, but not make your partner feel stupid for changing their mind. I feel like that's very common.
Very common. And let's just think about where in the journey, depending on where you are, the changes that maybe are coming or that you've already weathered, just to point out this even further, you first come together and you have your wedding day and then there's the building a life together and you're setting up shop. There's gonna be all kinds of pieces of contrast that are gonna come up, that you go. I never knew you like that. You like that. Oh my gosh. Well, that's kind of weird. Yeah. I mean, that's gonna happen. What about when you bring a baby into the mix and you start a family, there's a whole new set of opportunities. And with every single child, you add to the mix, there's gonna another set of adjustments and places and experiences that we change our minds about. Food and time and how I do my hair and what I wear and what lights me up. And what's important and valuable to me is that all changes.
And then maybe you have no hair and used to have, I used to have a lot of hair, [inaudible] like really Tom, come on, no seriously.
It was black and curly.
I mean like a huge, you know if you remember the Beegees, if you're old enough to remember the Beegees, I had Beegees type hair, like bouffant. I had a bouffant. So anyway.
And what about stepping off and retiring or trying to like, you know, maybe sell the family home or, or what about, you know, stepping into the later years of your life?
Or how about when all your children are grown and they're no longer with you? Staci and I have eight children. Brooke's one of them and they're no longer a part of you and then all the grandchildren. So it's all we have is change. Change would be synonymous with contrast is that?
Well, change is a part of the contrast. Contrast are the parts and pieces that work for me and that I don't, and I'm constantly sifting these things. We'll notice that not only is it changing in significant ways, like we've just described, but it also is going to change in very small ways, like red leaf lettuce. And, and we wanna be able to leave that door open. Not only for ourselves to change our minds because come on, let's be honest. We all do it. We do. But for our partners to be able to change their minds as
With permission. And safety, as silly as that is because like I made a big deal about it. It's embarrassing to think about, you know.
Thank you for being transparent.
But everyone does that. And I think women do it when they're like, no, I know my man, you know, like straight women.
And I love that you bring that up because what are we really doing there?
We're trying to take care of them.
We're trying to, we're trying to take care of them. But I also want the reassurance that I know my relationship is okay. I'm trying to comfort my own fears and insecurities, and this is why it could be a big deal if you change your mind because it's like, oh my gosh, then maybe I don't know you. And then we panic. And then, and then our minds can go all kinds of crazy places. Listen, if I could give you a single piece of advice about relationships, I wanna impart to you that emotional relationships are emotions. They feel them. And if we could turn our brains off and feel more, it would help us so much. Like if, you know, you feel connected to your person, it's okay. If they change their mind. And yet our heads will start like spinning outta control and like smoke coming out of our ears going, what else? Don't I know what, and that can, that simple little thought can override that? I know. I love you. I know you love me. I know we feel connected and it can take us to these crazy places. Like they're having an emotional affair.
Yes. This is a little off-topic, but really quickly, a couple of episodes ago when you were doing your communication episode I tried to put a comment in the box, but you guys didn't read it at the time, but what you're saying right now is I think sometimes when you're having a difficult conversation or you're trying to get to know yourself and your partner better, and it's like a more serious topic, a great thing for someone like me who's a little bit insecure and anxious to know would be, Hey, the foundation of our relationship is not on the table right now. You know, like we're just having a talk. We're not discussing anything seismic. Nothing is shifting that our foundation is strong. We're just having a conversation. I think that could be a real sentence for a lot of people to hear, you know?
Yeah. I totally agree with you because if a conversation about, you know, I'm really struggling with this child or our extended family in the mix, or I'm really challenged with our spending. Or I'm really wanting to switch things up on our sex life. Yeah. If that degrades into, oh my gosh, we're now contemplating the whole relationship, then you can see why it is. We don't make much progress with that one simple little conversation.
I would say, so what Brooke just shared would, we talked about fairy dust and I forget how many episodes ago or we talked.
Yeah. That's exactly what I was saying.
That would be a component you could add to the fairy dust and fairy dust, ladies and gentlemen, if you didn't catch it, that would be something you could share at the beginning of a conversation that may be difficult for you to assure yourself and your partner that we're good. I'm simply gonna share something that I've been thinking about that maybe I haven't been able to have the courage to share in a while.
Okay. Yeah. And that sounds something like, Hey, I just want you to know, I love you. I love our relationship. I'm totally in this for the long haul. And I have some things I wanna bring up about our sex life.
But also I think specifically saying like the foundation of our relationship is not at play in this conversation. Jack has said that to me a couple of times, without even knowing any of our frameworks, like we're not discussing whether or not we're breaking up right now. We're just having a conversation about this one issue. I think sometimes for people that are insecure or have a little bit of an anxious attachment style, that phrase could be very comforting.
Of, for sure. This brings a number two of our eight superpowers, which is, avoid the pretend and illusion. If we don't manage or realize that our movies, our internal thoughts through this contrast in one scary thought or insecurity lead to another one and another one, we call it a rabbit hole and the rabbit hole just means I'm now spiraling outta control fact that you told me, I don't look good in the shirt has now sent me on this tangent in my thinking.
I thought you never wanted to kiss me again. Yes.
And now you wanna be done and you are, you're having an affair with your, you know.
Your secretary. Yes, exactly.
Yes. And so I just need you to know and understand that our minds are thinking has the power to take us and answer questions. And it will answer any question from the, what if perspective and I'll tell you what, it will come up with an answer.
Because our brains, I heard this, I think from Rene Brown, they don't like unfinished stories. So they'll fill in every single blank.
And think about relationships. The majority of us have such a difficult time feeling in the voids, not only for ourselves but for our partners. And we talk in our conversations and our communication, like very platitude-ish yeah. It's very nonspecific, which leaves us open to, as I say if you don't fill in the void, they will. Yep. And that feeling in the void is gonna be a horror picture that's gonna kick your Fanny. like, it is the worst possible thing that could be happening is happening now. [inaudible].
And it's absurd. It's absurd.
Well, we like to say, you know, if you're, we're all having our internal movie experience, but what we think is happening is not meaning we think everyone is also at our internal movie experience. Your own horror picture show, but guess what? Only you are at the movie. So we have to understand and through all of our different frameworks, how we share that movie with the closest people in our lives, but then extend that same gift and opportunity for them to share their movie with us.
Well, and realize that everybody is having those same insane, insecure thoughts. But they are the star of their own show.
Well, and we all think that our movies are so spot on. Like we have got this so figured out. Like I already know how you're feeling like we could like we even had access to the Intel. And here's the last piece I wanna add to this pretend an illusion piece as human beings, we are so messy. Like if there's a way to screw it up, we're running. That's how we learn. That's how we figure out what works and what doesn't. And we start diving into conversations about trust, right? We forget that trust is something I give. It's not something I'm granted. And trust is really my own belief in myself to navigate the risk that I'm putting on the table. By loving you. That's it? Because it's only a matter of time before I say something is gonna hurt your feelings before I do something that is not out of my, that is out of my character because I'm having a bad day because I'm struggling with inside of myself. I've had something just blow up my world. Right. And I'm gonna show up. According to that, I show up as good as I feel. And I'm gonna be, I'm gonna forget to go buy the store. I'm gonna forget to tell you, I love you. I'm gonna forget our birthdays and, and some of our anniversaries because I'm so in my own world of thinking in that movie, and I need to not so much worry about making a mess. It's more about knowing how to come back around and clean it up to create those new moments of do-over so that we can stop and step out of pretend and illusion instead of continuously living in it, which I can tell you now, this is not any research that I've done just as a disclosure. But from what I see in my office, I'm looking back over my life experience myself. There are a lot of us like a high percentage, 99.9% of us live in this space of pretend an illusion because we don't know what else to do. We don't even realize that our movies need to be vetted out. We don't need to realize that we're reacting to something that I'm feeling and experiencing inside of myself. And now I'm taking it out on you. Right? There's this great example that I say when somebody says you're such a jerk, I can't believe you would do. And say that. I mean, just look at how I am in my physical body, and who's being the jerk me or the person I'm telling off?
It reminds me of this meme that I see a lot in the relationship space, where a woman and a man are sleeping in a bed. It could be a woman and a woman and a man and a man too. But their backs are turned to each other. And the woman's brain is saying, he's cheating on me. He hasn't talked to me all night. He's thinking of his girlfriend. And then the guy has a bubble coming out of his mind. And it says, why isn't my motorcycle starting? I mean, that's very gender-specific, but it's so true because if Jack is not talking to me as much as normal, I put all of this weight on him and I'm like, what's wrong with you? Why aren't you talking to me? Why are you being so standoffish? And he will say, am I being standoffish? Or are you being standoffish? But we all do it. It's so true. And that people don't think that that pretend and illusion, but that's exactly what it is. It's put all the, the movie in your head and, and saying that that's real life when it's not.
Hold on, one more point here. We can validate in our lives, anything, the most absurd thoughts that we have in our own places of personal insecurity can absolutely be validated. And I drive this home by just saying to you where you're living in that meme, he's having an affair on me. I'm gonna go two doors down to my girlfriend's house. And I'm gonna say, you know what happened? He came home. He didn't talk. He's been ignoring me for days, you know? And I know that he's been having a. I saw a text on his phone and blew up his social media. I just know. And guess what? She's gonna agree with me. Yep. She's gonna go, oh yeah. That's terrible.
All those signs. You're right.
Oh, are you gonna say something? I recently had a client say, Hey, I think that my past relationship was having an affair on me. And I say, oh, really? What, how did you come to that conclusion? And he says well because I Googled it. I, I was given four signs that your partner's having an affair and she meets everyone. And as I said, okay, share with me, what are they? Let's get this out. Well, number one they struggle with fear and insecurity. People. That's everybody That's not people who are just having an affair. That's like all of us. I mean, and the more I care, the more I have fears and insecurities that come up in me. Right. Number two. It was like, you know, they go missing and they don't show up and they don't have conversations again. How many people are doing that in their relationships? Oh, I don't know about the majority.
Meaning, meaning that you, when you have a fight or you have a disagreement, you walk away. That's what you mean.
That's exactly what I mean. And then I don't know how to approach it again. So there were several days of silence. And then we finally muster up the confidence or shall we say, not even the confidence, but the courage, just to open up the conversation. Anyway, we go through all four of these and I'm like, yeah, that's everybody. Yeah. That's the majority. Yeah. That, and I'm like, you know what? That is something that somebody threw out there to get attention and it doesn't mean anything. And so pretend and illusion runs rampant in our relationships because we don't really understand how we operate and show up in it. And we certainly don't give that same air time to our partners
This takes us to number three. And ladies, gentlemen, we're probably not gonna get the all eight. I'm just saying.
We're probably gonna end on number three.
They're in our book. But I would say if we had to pick our favorite, but I say this a lot, but this is the one that makes I'm gonna brag up my wife makes Staci's frameworks and teachings unique. Yeah. And this one is all throughout Staci's book. There's an emotional pushup at the end of every single chapter and practicing emotional weightlifting is, is a secret sauce. So babe, share with us in a somewhat cliff notes version, excuse me, What is emotional weightlifting? Is that just a fun, cute saying?
No. Emotional weightlifting is our ability to understand digest down. Right. And also manage our emotional experiences. We don't realize we've been talking a lot about the thinking because the thinking gets us into a lot of trouble. The thinking will go and find answers as we've said to fill in those voids. But it's the feeling right? That also gets us to react. We show up as good as we feel. And so therefore if I'm not showing up or feeling so great, I'm not gonna show up. So great. And this emotional weightlifting is something that we absolutely need to improve on and develop strength and capacity with so that we can emotionally regulate ourselves we can understand our own emotions. Because at the end of the day in our relationships, it's the only thing that I have to offer up in my relationship is an understanding of myself and where I go and what I'm feeling. And then I need to not only give myself that space and permission, but I need to give that space and permission to my partner too. Because as we've talked here throughout our conversation, it changes, it's dynamic where you are, how you show up, how they show up what they need, what they want. It's all in flux, it's all changing. And if we don't have the conversations about this or the ability to understand ourselves and translate our own thoughts and feelings into words that then I can share, well, then I can't teach my partner how to love me best. They're never gonna understand me or what drives me or what's important to me. And quite frankly, you're never gonna understand them either.
So share with us, like you do in the book, like what would be a really specific, emotional push-up example you could share with our listeners right now.
Say a fight about husband or wife going to their saying, I don't really feel like you are understanding me or reciprocating, like the caring actions that I, you know, like buying little gifts or like showing you that I care. I don't feel like you're giving that back to me. Number one, how do you not be defensive? Cuz that's part of most weightlifting and how do you respond to that in a kind way. Well, in the emotional weightlifting compartment, I'm not going sell you a bag of goods by telling you that sometimes hearing some of those things doesn't hurt. Like it's kind of taking the punch and here's what we've learned about emotional weightlifting is that if it hurts, we're doing it wrong or that there's a, so I immediately become very reactive to that without realizing, okay, no, no, no. That's normal. Emotional pain is part of the emotional experience in our relationships. There are going to be things that are gonna punch you and in our effort to feel that or to not feel that punch, we're gonna try and avoid it and pretend like it's not happening right. Without realizing it, okay, that's just gonna prolong the emotional pain that you're feeling. And if we start looking at how we handle our physical pain in comparison to how we handle our emotional pain, it's gonna tell us a lot about what works and what doesn't work in that arena. If I take the punch and I really understand why it is you are feeling that way about me, we can get better about how we show up in our relationships quickly and effectively, and efficiently. If we defend it or shut it down, don't wanna go there. Then we prolong the pain. And what ends up happening is that pain will escalate much like something that's injured, me physically, or sickness that my physical body has that I don't wanna look at. I don't wanna address it. I don't wanna have tested. I don't wanna talk about, I don't wanna explore nine times out 10. Those don't just heal on their own. They are usually right. Increase in intensity behind our attention.
I'm gonna throw myself on the fire here and say, if this happened to me, one of the first defensive things I would wanna say is you're right, I'm a terrible partner. Like, do you get what I'm saying? You're right. I'm terrible. I'm a, I'm a piece of poop, you know, I, why are you even with me? So I know you shouldn't say stuff like that. Then, when your partner comes to you, something, something like that, do you apologize? Like what, what do you do? Do you say, I'm sorry that I don't, you know what I'm saying?
My favorite is, help me understand where you're coming from. Just help me understand if you're coming to me and saying, Hey, you know, our sex life is really messed up right now. We need to talk about this rather than me get defensive, which is gonna be my natural emotional reaction. If I don't have any emotional strength to say, okay, help me understand what's not working for you. Right. And I might have this like thought, remember, my, my brain is a, and that's part of emotional weight lifting is learning how to turn this off. Yeah. And just go, oh, that's hard to hear. And I can even say that what's interesting about emotion is if you name it, it's easier to tolerate. Oh, that was really hard for me to hear. And I go to these places like, oh my gosh, you don't like to have sex with me. Is that true? That would be another great example of how to work through that. Right. And address what you're feeling. And what's playing out without making it about something they're like needing to feel guilty and shameful for bringing it to the table.
Without making it about yourself, too.
Because if I shut the conversation down as our sex life improving or not even a chance. And does that change the way that they feel about what's happening? That they're trying to lay on the table? Not even close. In fact, it just probably exacerbated it. And, and that's why the best place and be inside of yourself with your fears and insecurities, it's, it's about bringing 'em to the table, which is why I love it. When we talk about our, internal movie one of the first things I teach our clients is this is what's playing out in my movie, I'm in this insecure place. And I feel like you're saying this is that true.
But then I feel like in some of my personal experiences, you're asking your partner in that moment to like reassure you and comfort you, which I feel is a little bit strange when, when they are the one coming to you with a problem. So do you get what I mean?
Well, it's all about listening there. Absolutely. Because they have a play, they have a movie that's playing out on their side of the equation as well. And it's about the permission and space to share it. Okay. So it's like if I say this is what's playing out on my movie and I share it and I need to, I need to close my mouth and say, what's playing out on yours or that you just go help me understand where you're coming from now. And it's, and it's not so much about the movie as so much as it is the understanding and what we're gonna do with it next. Okay. And so I can say all kinds of things I can say I'm uncomfortable. This hurts my feelings. I'm feeling so angry right now. Gosh, what you said really hurts my feeling. Can you help me understand how you came to that conclusion? Cuz this is what I'm hearing you say nine times outta 10 is some version of like, no, no, no. That's not at all what I meant. How did you, and Tom's looked at me dead in the face and gone, how did you get there?
Yeah. The bottom line, ladies, and gentlemen is this emotional weightlifting is huge. And the reps that we all need to do in the emotion, old weightlifting gym literally are more than just several and very few of us that I've ever come across, have very few reps in what we like to call this metaphorical gym. Why? Because there's nowhere that we go.
But it's not metaphorical anymore.
It's real. And yeah, we're actually gonna be having, we're gonna be starting our, you know, our own online, emotional weightlifting gym that is coming soon. But it's the reason why it flows off of Staci's mouth so easily. Well, because this is what she does all day, every day, working with our private clients. So even I have to say now share that with me again. One more time. What did you say? And help me understand. It's not even the words are fancy. It's the sequence of how we share them with our partners. That can be very, very powerful for us as well as the receiving side and then vice versa. It just exchanges, it's building that muscle memory in the emotional part of our body. So it's not so foreign to us.
Well, and Brooke, you've brought up so many great points in this conversation today because sometimes it's not even so much about figuring my partner out. In fact, we can't do that you're right. But we become so obsessed with trying to figure out how I need to show up based on how they're reacting to me that I forget and lose place in sight of what I'm feeling and what I'm needing inside of myself.
Myself. Well, and I think for the person that's coming to the table with the difficult conversation, first of all, that's hard. That's hard to tell and scary. Yes. It's hard to tell your partner, you know, you're not satisfied with your sex life or you're not feeling seen or hurt or appreciated. Those are all really hard things to admit. And so I think taking off the table, like it's not a conversation where we're gonna be able, apologizing to each other, you know, taking all that baggage off the table with emotional weightlifting allows you to actually talk about the hard stuff.
Well, what we're after really at the end of the day is understanding, isn't it? Understanding why it is? I feel the way that I feel and then understand where you're coming from in the conversation. And we don't realize how many times we make that process so difficult for us because we start ruling inside of ourselves. And then we allow our brains to like fill in the gaps. And we don't talk specifically, the specifics are what set us free. They're the things that make things congruent, where, what you're saying, and what you're doing now like makes sense. Yeah. It lines up. And we go, that makes so much sense because we, as human beings, cannot stand somebody with tears streaming down their face or obviously angry. And then there's telling us, I'm fine. You, yeah. That's like, that's so incongruent and we can't let it go. And so that's a great example of how we will fill in that void and we will start saying, oh, so you don't love me anymore. Oh, well, so now that you haven't talked to me yesterday, this all starts to make sense. And I start weaving things together that don't necessarily go together.
We could have episodes and episodes and episodes about [inaudible]
Yeah. We gotta end on number three.
Yeah. So emotional weightlifting is absolutely [inaudible] right? That needs to happen. And we get better at it by practicing it. And soon coming to you is going to be an emotional weightlifting gym where you too can come in and practice before it counts.
But also where I think pausing there and, and talking about the free book, and resource page because that's where they will gain access to the details of emotional weightlifting.
Absolutely. But you know what we're gonna do first, we're gonna take a quick break.
A very quick break and we'll be right back.
We will be back with that information in our follow the fun segment.
Hey babe, did you know that the average couple spends only two hours a day with each other? And the majority of that time is spent eating, watching TV, and surfing social media rather than connecting with each other. And if children are involved, my gosh, it's even less time than that.
I know, babe. That's why you created our conversation cards for connection, cuz they're the perfect conversation starter. So the next time you're sitting on the couch rather than turning on the TV or grabbing phone, pull out a card and get ready for some good old-fashioned laughter and love connection.
You can get your cards at Stacibartley.com.
Voiceover Woman (00:53:06):
Hi, I'm coach Debbie from storyU. You talk radio and I wanna encourage you to write your book weekly. I offer topics about style and storytelling. I take your questions on our live show every Thursday at four o'clock or you can subscribe to storyU, that's capital U, on any of your favorite platforms.
Voiceover Man (00:53:34):
Make us part of your daily routine. Alternative talk 1150.
Walking back inside the Love Shack, Tom, Staci, and our daughter, Brooke, with us. So excited to be with you. We're gonna jump right into follow the fun. We're gonna land this episode efficiently and quickly.
Well, listen, here's the deal. Follow the fun this week is going to be go download this new book. You need the resources in it.
What's it called?
It's called feeling like your marriage is dead.
You can see the picture behind us. Thank you, Eric.
And there you go. Thank you Eric. Feeling like your married is marriage is dead. It's a divorce mediator's guide for ensuring a lifetime of love for you. And what we've been talking about today are these wonderful superpowers for toe-tingling love. And I've gotta tell you all about the resource page. Like if you sign up for the resource page that has a workbook that will join you in every single chapter, along with videos and audios, it is so power-packed. Literally, you'll have everything you need to turn your relationship around and start doing that thing. We just talked about called emotional weightlifting. So Eric, have you already downloaded your copy of your book? Come on now. we gotta have you be an example to the team here. No messing around.
What's our song. What are we feeling?
Well today is wonderful song that you actually chose. I'll let you introduce it.
Well, it's just a song in the late seventies, if you will. And it's just it's by the emotions. And it's like, if you're, if you're feeling something about you and your relationship, you and your partner, don't ask your neighbors, go to your partner and ask him or her. And it's a phenomenal song.
Well, and the reality is they're gonna be the only one who has the answers that you're looking for. So thank you so much for being here with us this week. Yay. Our book is out. Go get your copy. It's for free for the next several days. Great to be here with you. Thank you so much. The conversation was incredible. We'll have you come back on. I can tell, we need to do that more often.
Thank you Eric our engineer and KKNW and everybody. Thank you so much. We will see you at the same time, same place, back on the west coast. And we'll bring Brooke on. Let us know if you want her. Maybe she's taking some of our [inaudible] away. We need to add another guest to our show.
You need to be quiet now. Lol.
Thanks for joining us in the Love Shack. We hope you came away with something that made your toes tingle to learn more about everything you heard on today's show, go to StaciBartley.com/podcast. Love the show. Help us spread the love by sharing the show with others. Okay everybody time to go. We gotta close the doors to the Love Shack for this week. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Come back next week though, and join us for another edition of Love Shack live with Tom and Staci Bartley.
Maintaining toe-tingling love can be a challenge.
Most people settle for relationships that are good, but not great. They're afraid of being alone, so they stay in relationships that are less than what they deserve.
My brand new book Feeling Like Your Marriage Is Dead? A Divorce Mediator's Guide To Ensuring A Lifetime Of Love provides readers with the tools they need to cultivate the toe-tingling love they desire. This new book offers 8 superpowers for toe-tingling love and provides helpful tips and exercises to help readers put these powers into practice. You'll be ready to take on anything that comes your way!
Hi! We are Staci & Tom Bartley and we help committed couples rescue their relationships so they can finally create long-lasting love without having to spend hours analyzing their past, beating themselves up, or feeling like they are making no progress. We do this via sharing our unique frameworks, teaching new tools and skills, one on one sessions, and through our signature courses Relationship Rescue and Love For A Lifetime.
No one wants to be in a relationship that's just okay. We want toe-tingling love.
That kind of love is hard to maintain, though. But what if you didn't have to settle? But what if there was a way to have the toe-tingling love you desire?
Trying to find toe-tingling love can be tough. The good news is that there are ways you can cultivate your own version of it without settling for something less than what you deserve! If this sounds like what you're looking for, pick up my new book Feeling Like Your Marriage Is Dead? A Divorce Mediator's Guide To Ensuring A Lifetime Of Love today!
While emotional pain may seem like a negative thing, it often serves as an early warning system. If you can accept the signs that your emotions are trying to communicate and use them constructively, they will actually make you stronger. The Love Shack is here to help with this process so that you not only manage but heal from your emotional pain too! Let's get started!
Links mentioned in show:
- Get your copy of the book now!
- How To Stop A Fight In 20-Seconds Or Less. Get Your Free Cheat Sheet Here.
- Relationship Check-up - tired of re-hashing your issues with your partner without making progress? Schedule your check-up today!
- Get on the fun list here.
- Check out our Love Shack Live Playlist for all the songs we play on the show.