Episode 73: Surprise! I Wrote A Book About How To Ensure A Lifetime Of Love

[00:00:00] Announcer: Hey, thanks for coming. Welcome to the love shack.

 

[00:00:13] Staci Bartley: Hey, welcome to the love shack. It's a little a place where we get to get together. Explore fresh perspectives and eavesdrop on juicy conversations and discover the things that matter most in our relationships. And have some fun along the way. 

 

[00:00:28] Staci Bartley: This is episode number 73, and I have a big surprise for you. Like surprise!

 

[00:00:34] Staci Bartley: I wrote a book about how to ensure a lifetime of love. And today right here in the love shack, I'm going to share with you chapter one of my upcoming book. 

 

[00:00:44] Staci Bartley: And it just so happens to be released on my birthday, March 30th. And if you're thinking, oh, that was planned, I'm going to say, yeah, it was totally planned. That way. 

 

[00:00:51] Tom Bartley: Absolutely very exciting. This was a long time in the making. This is very, very exciting. Most of us realize that relationships are hard work, but sometimes it can feel like the effort you're putting in. Isn't changing a darn thing for most couples. It seems like half the time we're fighting the other half of the time, we're bored.

 

[00:01:08] Tom Bartley: Maybe, we'd even say our relationship feels dead. 

 

[00:01:12] Staci Bartley: So the name of my book is Feeling like your marriage is. And I chose that title, and believe me, there have been so many thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of conversations about the title of this book. And I chose this title because there are some things that we need to begin to explore after doing this work for so long. And a lot of it has to do with our beliefs around how relationships are supposed to go and marriage and what it's going to give us. So it's time to change how we think about our relationships. They're not just something that happened to us. There's something that we create. 

 

[00:01:47] Staci Bartley: And with the right mindset, you can have a loving relationship that will last and last, but love is not something that we find, or are given. It's something that we learn to do, and it's about learning to love yourself. And for those of you out there who go, ugh, I was one of those people. So I get it. Learning to love ourselves, we're going to show you how. We're not going to just leave you hanging, but we do need to learn to love ourselves first because it involves our ability to give something to our partners.

 

[00:02:18] Staci Bartley: And we've got to step out of this place where the person that I'm loving, doesn't love me back because of obligations that get in the way. And those obligations have been taught to us as a relationship requirement that gets passed down from generation to generation. 

 

[00:02:36] Tom Bartley: So this sounds all great in theory, but how do we actually go about doing this, Mrs. Bartley?

 

[00:02:41] Staci Bartley: In my new book, I'll outline the exact steps you need to take to create and revive your relationship to ensure a lifetime of love. 

 

[00:02:49] Tom Bartley: So, hi, we're Tom and Staci Bartley, and we help committed couples rescue their relationships so they can finally create long-lasting love without having to spend hours analyzing their past, beating themselves up, or feeling like they are making no progress.

 

[00:03:03] Tom Bartley: We do this in a number of different ways by sharing our unique frameworks, teaching new skills and courses in our one-on-one sessions and our signature courses, our Relationship Rescue and Love For A Lifetime. Well, Love For A Lifetime, lifetime of love, we say that interchangeably 

 

[00:03:21] Staci Bartley: Today in the love shack, we're going to be talking about chapter one, which is all about how we've been told many lies about love and relationships and how those lies have totally misguided us when it comes to creating the kind of relationships that can stand the test of time.

 

[00:03:39] Staci Bartley: After this quick break, we're going to come back and we are going to dive into chapter one. Because it's time that you know what those lies and myths are and what marriage can do for you as a person and as a couple. So stay with us, we'll be right back.

 

[00:02:31] Advertisement: I met Staci and Tom, about two years ago, I was at a point in my relationship where I was ready to file for divorce. Not that I wanted to, but I just felt hopeless and helpless. I'd been through other counseling and coaching and didn't find any success with Stacy and Tom's methods. I was able to eliminate insecurities, set boundaries, plant my flag, eliminate rabbit holing.

 

[00:02:55] Advertisement: I was separated from my wife for a year. And I have since moved back home for the last six months now. I still refer back to a lot of the teaching that Staci and Tom provided. And it's helped me. It's well worth it. 

 

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[00:03:17] Announcer: Reserve your seat by going to stacibartley.com/workshop 

 

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[00:06:15] Tom Bartley: Welcome back to episode 73 inside the low shack. Great to have you with us. We're Tom and Staci Bartley. We've got our engineer at the helm, Mr. Eric Rider, and just a quick reminder if you're driving or listening and you know what, you're, you're wanting to write some things down because I'm a huge podcast person.

 

[00:06:29] Tom Bartley: I do this. We want you to realize, or want you to remember. You don't have to worry about anything. Our daughter wonderful daughter, Brooke. Thank you, Brooke. We love and appreciate you. Spends a lot of time putting together very comprehensive notes as well as we now transcribe every, every episode that we do.

 

[00:06:45] Tom Bartley: So there are lots of different ways that you can revisit this material and we're especially, and then we're going to give you a place to sign up and get notified. When our book goes live, we're going to do some really, really fun things the week that it's launched. So, you know, we've got you covered. 

 

[00:06:59] Staci Bartley: So that's a big surprise is I have my book and it's finally ready.

 

[00:07:02] Staci Bartley: This has been like a five-year journey. It began and I thought we were going to release this book in 2017, and then we decided to not launch it. Posting it on Amazon. I have to say kudos to my clients and the people that I have served and been privileged to honor to work with throughout the years, they have been clamoring for me to put this in a book that they could easily share with their friends and their families and their communities and neighbors.

 

[00:07:27] Staci Bartley: And so I'm so honored to have the support and the love and the encouragement. Literally, the pushing of "you've got to do this, you've got to do this." And so I want to tell you a little bit about the book and today we're in the love shack. We're going to dive into chapter one, but the piece about the book that I want you to know is a little bit different from your traditional relationship book.

 

[00:07:48] Staci Bartley: Is I too, even though that this is the work that I do, sometimes I find that they get a little...wah wah wah. Like you kind of get into it, it starts talking about the emotional journey, and then somewhere along the line, you just kind of get lost in it. And it starts to kind of like, feel like this, ethereal thing that I can't wrap my head around.

 

[00:08:05] Staci Bartley: And knowing that, I've put a lot of intention into trying to make this as practical and as, and as tangible as possible so that we can really take what it is we need to know about this emotional journey we call love. Which by the way is going to be the most emotional journey you are ever going to be on.

 

[00:08:23] Staci Bartley: Like, it is the most emotional experience for us human beings that I up to this point in time have found is available to us in this lifetime. And so it's sometimes challenging to talk about because it can kind of get lost in you know, the theoretical spiritual part. 

 

[00:08:38] Staci Bartley: So the book is very much laid out where I get to share my story.

 

[00:08:42] Staci Bartley: Primarily my personal story also, as we get towards the end of the book, it's, it's how Tom and I came together and it was the inspiration for the work that we do and the passion that we have to serve the clients and community that we are privileged and honored to contribute to. And to all of you, our listeners hear on this podcast, it all stems from this place.

 

[00:09:03] Staci Bartley: We've learned, we've grown, we've served. And now we're so impassioned about serving to you. So the story. The first part of every chapter is a story. So if you just want a nice little story about love and life, right? You can read it just the first parts of the chapter. 

 

[00:09:20] Staci Bartley: And then each chapter has learning to love. And this is where I'm going to start diving into my baseline frameworks. That if you were to come into my world, you're going to learn. Because they are the foundational principles that you need to understand, to know about love and relationships and the skills that are required. 

 

[00:09:36] Staci Bartley: So that at some point, in time with practice, we can gain mastery in these things.

 

[00:09:42] Staci Bartley: And then at the end, there's always what I call an emotional push-up. And an emotional pushup of every chapter is simply: we take what you've learned and we implement it. And I want you to think about emotional pushups like you do a physical pushup because they're very similar. We have a physical body and an emotional body, and we develop our physical and emotional bodies very much the same because of the environment that we live in.

 

[00:10:08] Staci Bartley: So, if you were going to develop your physical body, you would know that you had to have a little bit of resistance. Like you had to push against something, right. You've got to lift some weights or run some miles. Right. And we know it's going to be hard in the beginning and it's going to feel uncomfortable.

 

[00:10:22] Staci Bartley: Well, our emotional bodies are just the same. Right. They can do emotional push-ups and it makes us sweat. And it's hard, very similar experiences. And so that emotional pushup is implementing what it is you've just learned. 

 

[00:10:36] Staci Bartley: You can really read the book in three ways. 

 

[00:10:38] Staci Bartley: And I hope it's a book that you come back to again and again, and again, you can be inspired by a story that's real, right?

 

[00:10:44] Staci Bartley: It's real life with all of its twists and turns and pitfalls. 

 

[00:10:48] Staci Bartley: You can go through and learn the baseline frameworks that you need to know when it comes to love and relationships by learning the learning to love sections. And then you can come back and practice. 

 

[00:10:57] Staci Bartley: And my hope is that after you read it, you go, what was that one pushup that I know I need to do again?

 

[00:11:03] Staci Bartley: Oh, I can go back to the emotional pushups. 

 

[00:11:05] Tom Bartley: And for those, the pushups babe. So what is an example? I mean, I think most of us would understand what a physical pushup is. So that would be the practice of what you've laid out in each of those chapters. 

 

[00:11:15] Staci Bartley: An emotional pushup. That's a really great question, sweetie.

 

[00:11:17] Staci Bartley: And emotional pushup is a place where I'm, self-reflective where I'm exploring how this makes me feel. I'm exploring my thoughts and feelings about any given question or topic. It also might be the practice of something that might be uncomfortable. 

 

[00:11:31] Staci Bartley: For example. Advocating for myself or speaking up when I know that I'm emotionally pressed, it also might be understanding that sometimes I just need to hold whatever is punched me in the gut.

 

[00:11:45] Staci Bartley: Like instead of reacting to the emotion, gain the strength to just hold it for a minute. And, and there are some principles in the book about why that's so critically important and it has to do with neuroscience and the way our brain processes information and my body's ability to feel things, right now.

 

[00:12:03] Staci Bartley: And that combination right, is what I call our, our human navigation system. And if we're reacting to just the emotions that happen in my life, that I'm not allowing the brain to kind of catch up and understand what's happening. And for this reason, this is why we go, ah, why did I say that? Like, oh my gosh.

 

[00:12:19] Staci Bartley: And oh, why didn't I say this? Oh, that would have been so perfect. Right? Because of the mechanism we call our brain. 

 

[00:12:26] Staci Bartley: And the ability to feel in my emotional body, right? My body emotionally feels everything like right now in nanoseconds, but it takes a minute for my brain to catch up and process why I feel the way I feel.

 

[00:12:39] Staci Bartley: So a lot of emotional pushups are just kind of creating the understanding about what's happening in my emotional body and giving my emotional body the credit that it's simply deserved. 

 

[00:12:48] Tom Bartley: So sometimes if I heard you correctly, it could be the learning and practicing the power of a pause, and other time it might be potentially having a conversation that we have avoided having.

 

[00:12:59] Staci Bartley: It makes your armpits sweaty. And we can work that out. We can do some practice and some conditioning in that department so that when difficult conversations show up and they're going to. We know what to do next instead of panicking or sitting on it until we essentially red line.

 

[00:13:17] Staci Bartley: And we can't hold it anymore. 

 

[00:13:18] Tom Bartley: Or say things like we just shared that we, I think all of us fair to say, have said, gosh, I wish I wouldn't have said that. Right. 

 

[00:13:26] Staci Bartley: Well and before you jump into chapter one, I, I've contemplated on how it is we would share this information with you. And what we've come up with is I will actually read excerpts out of the book.

 

[00:13:36] Staci Bartley: And then we'll pause for a minute. And for you, our wonderful listeners, we will digest that down a little bit and talk about it and give you some additional information about the principles in the book, too. For the next several weeks, teach you what this book is about, right? So that you can, you can take this journey with us, but I really want to start this journey with a set of an acknowledgment, because, you know, without Tom and this experience, this would not have happened.

 

[00:14:03] Staci Bartley: So it was when I met Tom that I realized a lot of things about the wisdom I had learned over the years in regards to relationships. Because up to my moment of meeting Tom, you have to know that I was an independent girl who didn't need a man. I was going to do it on my own because I had failed at a relationship so many times prior, right?

 

[00:14:22] Staci Bartley: Significantly. I had been married and divorced twice pregnant at 17. I had gone through several relationships that end in marriage. And when I met Tom, I was finally in the place where I like I'm so done with this. And so literally in our third or fourth conversation, I'm saying to Tom, look, I hope you don't want to get married.

 

[00:14:43] Staci Bartley: Cause that's not anything I'm going to do. So hence we start to understand the title of the book. And Tom says, you know, we, we're not going to have kids or anything. So yeah, I think that's great. I'm not attached to that while, just so you know, fast-forwarding, Tom and I are married and have been married nine years. Been together 11. And I say that because there has been so much that has happened to me in my work and in the people that I serve, even though I've been doing this work since about 1997, there was so much I learned when Tom and I came together about my past. And it's extracting these things that I feel are so beneficial and helpful to our clients.

 

[00:15:23] Staci Bartley: So I want to start this by saying cheers and thank you so much, Tom, for coming into mine. And for supporting this work and supporting me and helping it come to this place where not only do we serve clients around the world, but we get to launch our very first book and it will be the first book in a series.

 

[00:15:41] Staci Bartley: And I'm, I'm so grateful. I'm so, so grateful.

 

[00:15:47] Tom Bartley: As my grandmother would say right back at you, babe. Love you very much. So we're going to start by Staci, as she shared, is going to read and the first excerpt, if you will, out of the book and then the, I will she'll take a pause and we'll unpack that. For again, the goal we're going to do this for all of the episodes of March is to give you things to take away each week.

 

[00:16:05] Tom Bartley: And then, you know, be part of our launch team, we really would appreciate, greatly appreciate you stepping alongside us and helping us spread the word about this new book. We really, that would be awesome. 

 

[00:16:16] Staci Bartley: The purpose of this book is to solve the problems that we are facing around dead unfulfilling, uninspiring committed relationships, it's time, and my opinion to bring the joy hope, and delight back into our lives and the people who are in these committed relationships, because if more people experienced this in their lives, the world would be a very better place. In my opinion, we have become a society that no longer knows how to live with the uncertainties of life and love.

 

[00:16:48] Staci Bartley: And it is literally killing us. Right now our mental health continues to decline as the rates of anxiety and depression rise. Suicide is also climbing. So is emotional eating. It really has become a thing in the last 20 years, along with perfectionism, as we scrambled to learn how we need to do it right. And there are all kinds of searching that we do there as though there is such. We expend bucket loads of energy, attempting to gain some sort of certainty. 

 

[00:17:23] Staci Bartley: We then choke the life out of ourselves and our partners and for heaven's sakes, don't point it out. So, we can talk about it. That is not what we have been taught to do. 

 

[00:17:33] Staci Bartley: Not talking about it is our favorite way to cope with things that make us uncomfortable. It always allows us to continue to live in our illusions and have a bit of peace for just one more moment. So when it comes to love and getting all in, in our committed relationships, this uncertainty unravels us faster than the idea of dying.

 

[00:17:55] Staci Bartley: We rushed to the alter or pressure our partners to rush into it with us or else so that we can check the boxes and follow the scripts that we have been handed down from our ancestors. Meanwhile, we breathe in the false sense of security by staying on script. It gives us a quiet to the fears that are kicking up in our hearts, that we are not allowed to express.

 

[00:18:20] Staci Bartley: So if you don't believe me, let's just think about what we do when it comes to this conversation of marriage. 

 

[00:18:27] Staci Bartley: The first thing we think about doing is we throw a 10,000 to a $30,000 party with our family and friends witnessing us, professing our love and devotion to each other, according to whatever prescribed plan our families and clergy have handed down, we do our best to make it real and yet deep inside of us.

 

[00:18:51] Staci Bartley: And I've talked to many, we know we have absolutely no idea how this is really going to play out. We have butterflies of uncertainty because saying I do does not guarantee certainty in the days ahead, somewhere inside of us, we feel this truth. We know we have no idea how to navigate the days of love and uncertainty head.

 

[00:19:15] Staci Bartley: And when the celebration is over. The consummation of our marriage. If it happens at all is, for most of us at best more fears from our human messiness began to flood in. As we began to commingle our belongings and our life and pursuit of our happily ever after. All in all, we stand ill-prepared for the success with long for.

 

[00:19:42] Staci Bartley: After all, what skills and understanding have we mastered on how to truly ensure our relationships last? We stand poised at the beginning of our marriages with a marriage certificate, some rings on our fingers, and the hopeful promise of tomorrow. And oh, for heaven's sake, don't forget the, just married sign on the car, and off into the future we go yet we wonder why divorce is happening all around. 

 

[00:20:07] Staci Bartley: And many of the people in our younger generation are not choosing to get married. Sadly, very often they have closed themselves off from committed relationships altogether. And let's be honest who can blame them for this. They can see through the BS, but they too have no idea how to do, what to do differently instead.

 

[00:20:30] Staci Bartley: So they choose to avoid it completely while thinking that is the smartest, less painful route to take. I want to point out here something if we remain single and unattached to others, and that was truly the answer to our lives and happiness when it comes to relationships, wouldn't it be fair to say we would be getting happier as a society happier as we avoid commitment and avoid sharing our hearts with one another? 

 

[00:20:58] Staci Bartley: We do not indeed become happier as we look around by avoiding the creating of love and relationships in our lives, a worldwide pandemic has driven this point home. 

 

[00:21:10] Staci Bartley: The mental health crisis stemming from both quarantine and self-imposed isolation from others. And the rigors that this has brought into our families into our lives has sent our mental health of anxiety and pressure, oppression depression, anxiety skyrocketed. We are struggling right now to feel connected and we are seeing epidemic results of doing so. So. That cannot be the answer. So what are the answers? 

 

[00:21:46] Staci Bartley: And I bring this to light only to highlight and to showcase the fact that there are some things that we need to start telling the truth about.

 

[00:21:54] Staci Bartley: And I can guarantee you as we start digging into these and we are right here in just a few minutes, there are going to be a lot of emotions that are going to come up for you around marriage, around our scripts, around our narratives, around what works and what doesn't. But in order for us to evolve and become better at relationships as a whole, we've got to tear the bandaid off and we've got to talk about these.

 

[00:22:20] Tom Bartley: Yeah. So why is it that you think, you know, we've had thousands of conversations around this? This seems to be a fairy tale. And again, we all love a good story. Why is it that literally around the world, whatever that cultural, you know, belief in and customs to come together and then celebrate two people coming together and committing to each other?

 

[00:22:39] Tom Bartley: As the story basically goes they live. How do they live happily ever after? And absolutely that's possible, but it's almost as if by going through this process, this ceremony, this one-day celebration, that's a guarantee. 

 

[00:22:51] Staci Bartley: Is it possible? 

 

[00:22:52] Staci Bartley: Really? So they live happily ever after. I mean like, like even that phrase is that real reality? And this, I think has to do a lot with why it is we feel like when we bump into challenges and problems in our relationships, we start to begin what we've done, we're doing it wrong, or there's something wrong with me or, or something's amiss because we've been taught that we are supposed to live happily ever after if we get it right.

 

[00:23:18] Staci Bartley: And I want you to know, having ups and downs and relationships like having emotional pain and upset and frustration is a normal, natural part of our experience as human beings. Like there is no way you're going to get around that. I want you to know that because without knowing that and buying into the happily ever after story, we tend to think things like there is something wrong with me. There's something wrong with my partner. There's something wrong with my relationship. And I believe it's that fairy tale story that sends us to believe those types of things among others, but happily ever after. Yes. Can we be happy? Yes. Can we have moments of enjoyment and incredible what I call toe-tingling, relationship happiness?

 

[00:24:04] Staci Bartley: Oh my gosh. Yes. Is there a fulfillment there? Yes. But to expect that that's going to be the experience all of the time. That's the part where the lie begins. 

 

[00:24:15] Tom Bartley: Well, and I would say perhaps. And you correct me if I'm wrong, babe. You know, one of the main intents of this book, as I know there are, there are several, or more than several is to help people maybe redefine what happily ever after means.

 

[00:24:28] Tom Bartley: Meaning just as if, and if, you know, I go oftentimes to the athletic journey and athlete expects and understands he or she must press upon and break that muscle down to become strong. Right. So these places where we are not living, living happily ever after in that moment are all designed to help us become stronger and become better lovers.

 

[00:24:53] Staci Bartley: I also want to point out this wonderful analogy. Which I think is beautiful. An athlete also knows that they want to become an athlete. If they show up at a competition after doing everything that they felt like they needed to do and they compete and it doesn't necessarily go the way they had hoped, you know, let's say they wanted to take, you know, one of three places.

 

[00:25:13] Staci Bartley: I, I have lots of athletes in my family, so I want to at least play in a place on the top. Right. And let's say you place number five. You know, what's unfortunate about love is that we think that if we don't place in the, in the first spot, that there's, it's all for not and an athlete that places fifth, isn't going to just throw their arms up in the air.

 

[00:25:33] Staci Bartley: They're going to say, okay, what worked, and what didn't? And then I'm going to retool and I'm going to switch it up a little bit and I'm going to come back and I'm going to compete for the top three. 

 

[00:25:43] Staci Bartley: It's always the top three to get into. But even when it doesn't go that way, you know, there are many people who are celebrating, being in the top 10.

 

[00:25:51] Staci Bartley: Right then, because that for them is their personal best. That's a huge statement in the world of athleticism them my personal best. And they're taught to own that and explore that and celebrate that my personal best might be placing in the top 20. My personal best might be top, you know, placing in the top, you know, And yet when it comes to the experiences of love, it's like, if I'm not a number one position, then I guess I just throw my arms in the air and I give up.

 

[00:26:21] Staci Bartley: And that is so not true. Again, that's a myth, that's a lie. And unfortunately, oftentimes we rely on marriage. And the institution of marriage to save us and ensure that we are guaranteed number one position. And we think that if we check all the boxes and do it correctly and get married, right, according to the principles of my family and my religion, that I will be ensured, number one, top position.

 

[00:26:51] Staci Bartley: And then I know for me, that was my story. That was very much where I come from. And one that doesn't happen. Then we're left with, well, what do I do next? There is no personal best. We don't think of it in that term. Right. Like, okay. And now let's retool, but I want you to know that it's absolutely possible.

 

[00:27:10] Staci Bartley: That retooling, this worked, this didn't. Okay. When it comes to the emotional experience of love is absolutely possible. There are just not many people sharing with you, how to do that evaluation and celebrate. Okay. You did a great job. Oh my gosh. Look how far you come. Okay. Let's go again. Being in the top 20 is amazing.

 

[00:27:30] Staci Bartley: Let's go again. 

 

[00:27:31] Staci Bartley: Let's go again. And if I were to stay with that mindset, then eventually I would be at the top. Just like an athlete. 

 

[00:27:39] Tom Bartley: Yeah. So it's really, really allows you to marinate. Again this is probably going to say, or could potentially sound not familiar. And, it doesn't most of the time when people come and work with us, but the more, just like anything, the more that you allow and be open and just have it marinate.

 

[00:27:55] Tom Bartley: The more that our experience tells us and working with our clients, that it does start to make sense, but more importantly, not only makes sense but allows you to make changes in your life effectively and more easily. 

 

[00:28:05] Staci Bartley: Yeah, the reality is, is that certainty, like any fear that we face head-on can be overcome by gaining understanding. 

 

[00:28:14] Staci Bartley: Like we understand something then we're not so afraid of it anymore. And we can develop emotional strength through practice enough times. We don't make that connection. The practice of emotional strengthening is a very real thing. 

 

[00:28:29] Staci Bartley: So we can discover that uncertainty actually can be a huge gift because let's be honest when we step in and we say, I do, and we move in together and we start building a life together.

 

[00:28:41] Staci Bartley: There's a tremendous amount of uncertainty there. 

 

[00:28:45] Staci Bartley: This uncertainty does not need to be the scary monster that we believe it to be, that it can actually be a huge gift. We don't need a guarantee of happiness as much as we need to remove the smothering list of obligations and the damaging tendency we have towards manipulation in our relationships.

 

[00:29:06] Staci Bartley: And we've been taught these and we've willed them. We practice them. And this is what we know to do when we don't know what to do in our emotional experiences in our relationships. We need to give ourselves permission to be ourselves. Number one. That's why loving yourselves and building a relationship with yourself is so important.

 

[00:29:27] Staci Bartley: And we also need to give ourselves permission to feel the way we do. And then, in turn, provide our partner the same permission during our time together, however long that may be. And that seems like a really difficult proposition. And right now, if I had to guess your head is probably spinning. So as you take a big breath. 

 

[00:29:49] Staci Bartley: I want to point out that currently many of these social and religious narratives are being questioned because they promised outcomes to our relationships and to our lives that are not holding true. 

 

[00:30:02] Staci Bartley: And I want to share some of those with you. So that right now, at this moment, you can explore that inside of yourself.

 

[00:30:09] Staci Bartley: Like, okay, get ready. You're about to do an emotional push-up. I love what the author motivational speaker, Leo Buscaglia said, many of us are pawns in a game of love that we don't understand. 

 

[00:30:25] Staci Bartley: And that's so true. So common narratives that promise marital, happiness and bliss, they, they include these, the prospect of permanence.

 

[00:30:35] Staci Bartley: Like think about it. If we're married. Oh, we're good. That's a done deal. That's you know, what, what comes to your mind when you think of that? That forever. Forever, forever. We also believe that marriage is better for the kids. Like right, if you're going to have kids. 

 

[00:30:50] Staci Bartley: In fact, I remember you saying that to me when you and I first came together and said, you know, marriage is totally off the table. It's like, we're not going to be having kids. So we don't have to venture down that. So that shows what you believe to be true about marriage. Right? Marriage must happen if we are going to have children. 

 

[00:31:05] Staci Bartley: And I want to just point out none of these are right or wrong, but just look at what. I've been taught and believe might be true about the guarantee of marriage, self-sacrifice for the benefit of others as important we would say.

 

[00:31:19] Staci Bartley: Hmm. Okay. That's what's required of marriage. If we think about the ceremony, you know, we kind of say, I'm gonna practice and sacrifice myself for you, and I'm going to do everything I know how to do to make you happy. And you're going to look me in the eyes as you should right now. And you're going to do the same for me, right?

 

[00:31:36] Staci Bartley: Of course. And then, so we go, oh my gosh, this is going to work out like amazingly. 

 

[00:31:42] Staci Bartley: Without realizing what you don't know, you don't know is that's the beginning of breakdown right there. Like there is no sacrifice of self that we can give of ourselves. That's going to make our partners happy like that in and of itself is a lie.

 

[00:31:57] Staci Bartley: We need to be good providers. And we can only do it if we're married, maybe. 

 

[00:32:03] Staci Bartley: Maybe it's important to abstain from sex before marriage. That's a big one. Like if everything else falls away for gosh sakes, make sure you adhere to this one. That was certainly the paradigm that I came from. Okay. What is it going to give you?

 

[00:32:19] Staci Bartley: What does it give the relationship? Have we ever been brave enough to ask that question? If I abstain from sex until I am married, what is that going to give my relationship? What does it give your relationship for those of you who, who by, you know, made that a principle, right? What did it give your relationship?

 

[00:32:40] Staci Bartley: What do you believe it gave your relationship? And I firmly believe there are pros and cons to that, but do we ever just really explore the question? 

 

[00:32:50] Staci Bartley: How about this one problem mean we're doing it wrong? So don't disclose. If I feel like there's something that's happening in our relationship and I don't know how to handle it.

 

[00:32:59] Staci Bartley: Don't be the problem. And for heck's sake, it's just going to pass. So don't disclose them so that we could potentially do something different. 

 

[00:33:07] Staci Bartley: Someone makes them money is the common narrative. And if I'm the one making the money and it doesn't even need to be gender-specific. I see this in gay relationships as well.

 

[00:33:17] Staci Bartley: If somebody is making the money, then the expectation of the person that's making the money is you're going to do everything else. Right. Even if both of us are working and I make the majority of the money, I think you should be doing everything else. Let's be honest, like just an opportunity to explore and for heaven's sake, if you're happy, don't say so. 

 

[00:33:37] Tom Bartley: If you're unhappy, don't say so. 

 

[00:33:40] Staci Bartley: And both sides of that. Just think about that dichotomy of that. If I'm happy, I can't say so good job. We're just doing it right now. I'm not telling you you're doing a good job and letting you know what works. I'm just saying, okay, this is good. This is to me. I don't ever tell you.

 

[00:33:55] Staci Bartley: Right. So you would have no idea what's working and why it's working, why I'm happy and you're happy and everything's okay. But heaven's sake. Yes. If I'm unhappy, don't go disclosing that because we don't want to talk about that either. And this one I love, I was born and raised and steeped in this one.

 

[00:34:10] Staci Bartley: Families need a leader, a person who makes all of the decisions. Is that really true? Right? Is that what love, partnership, relationship, committed relationship? In a relationship is there's has to be somebody who has the ultimate say and the ultimate decision-maker in the situation. I can tell you right now that if you believe that you're going to have a lot of fights and you probably already do.

 

[00:34:34] Staci Bartley: So unfortunately those are not good promises like those promises of marriage. I mean, they don't carry out creating the happiness and bliss that we are hoping to experience in our relationships. Unfortunately, what we find and what I find and what I experienced personally is, as we open up to discussing the realities that marriage gives us the results that are identified for marital bliss are instead common experiences of these.

 

[00:35:03] Staci Bartley: Right. And I want you to share some of them too. 

 

[00:35:06] Tom Bartley: Feeling stuck. How many of us have felt stuck? I sure have. 

 

[00:35:11] Staci Bartley: I'm stuck here. I am married. I got three kids and a mortgage and I'm unhappy. And I can't say anything about it and I'm supposed to be the leader, but I'm not even quite sure how to do that.

 

[00:35:21] Tom Bartley: The next one might consider stagnation again, we know from, from an energetic, you know, the way our universe is designed, there is no place of neutrality. I mean, The universe is the most dynamic soup amongst we're all swimming in. So there is no stagnation as much as we like to kind of just hanging out. It doesn't happen.

 

[00:35:41] Staci Bartley: But we feel stagnation. We feel like we kind of get into a routine and a pattern and we go through the motions of life. We check the boxes, you know, I'm going to fix dinner. I'm going to go to work. You pick up the kids, you know, remember to take the trash out on Wednesday and, and things become very box-checking and that emotional experience.

 

[00:36:01] Staci Bartley: At the beginning, which brought us together to build this life together has become very stagnated. 

 

[00:36:07] Tom Bartley: And the next one is overwhelming obligations. 

 

[00:36:11] Staci Bartley: There's an overwhelm of obligations, which you need to know, obligation really cripples us when we feel like we're obligated to do something and there's no space or permission to choose.

 

[00:36:23] Staci Bartley: Oh, my gosh, it's crippling to us as human beings. And then of course, if we don't want to play in that world of obligation, then there's a tremendous amount of judgment and criticism that follows you're going to be the person that's blamed and shamed for right. Not adhering to the script or the program or checking the boxes.

 

[00:36:43] Staci Bartley: In full disclosure. I was that person. I choked the life out of my second marriage because I had to do it right. I had to do it perfectly. And I was, I was not going to have anybody messing with that program. And so the clamps went down, the obligation, went up. The half-tos and shoulds were off the chart. And guess what happened?

 

[00:37:06] Staci Bartley: My husband went missing. For good reason, for absolutely good reason. He could not sustain a sense of wellbeing in the pool of obligation 

 

[00:37:17] Tom Bartley: Then feelings of discomfort with a personal expression that could be verbally and sexually. 

 

[00:37:23] Staci Bartley: They're shut down. They're non-existent right. As I adhere to the script and check all the boxes, the cessation of talking until we fight or someone succumbs is a real thing.

 

[00:37:33] Staci Bartley: I'm not going to talk to you until you see my way, or you figure it out or you pull it together, et cetera. And taking our frustrations out on our kids is very much a part of this whole thing because we have nowhere else to go with it. So the kids start to pay a huge price for what's not working and the relationship of the couple. 

 

[00:37:53] Tom Bartley: Developing coping patterns that hurt our relationship.

 

[00:37:56] Staci Bartley: We're all gonna cope. We're all gonna do what we need to do to feel a little bit better, which means I'm going to start overworking or overexercising or over volunteering or becoming lost in the kids or some of the other. Popping some pills or drinking or over shopping, you know, these all come from the same emotional place.

 

[00:38:15] Staci Bartley: And then we're striving always and forever in our mind's eye to get back to the best days of our life, which is our wedding day. So for some of us, like that was the best day of our lives. And we're constantly striving to get back to those moments where we were dating. We were coming together. We were first married.

 

[00:38:31] Staci Bartley: We were, you know, building a life together and we're looking for answers on how to do it. Now, unfortunately, this leads us to make up some terrible stories. When this doesn't go well. And these terrible stories, our stories about ourselves and our partners, and looking back over my own life, I can now see the reality that when the marriage narrative didn't work out well for my parents, as promised they believed it was because they had had sex before they got married.

 

[00:39:00] Staci Bartley: And let me just break that down a little bit. I was married at the age of 17 and my mom had sex before she got married and she believed that this was the reason why her relationship didn't work. She did not adhere to that principle. And so when it comes to a loving mother who wants to help her daughter have happiness in the relationship, in the world of her arena of relationships, she was adamant that you don't have sex before marriage.

 

[00:39:29] Staci Bartley: And unfortunately for me and her and my unborn child, We could not have a conversation about sex. The only thing that was talked about is you don't have it. So when it came to becoming curious about sex, which is normal, which is, a developmental piece about becoming a human being that's biological and neurological related to us, developing, who do you think I went to for advice?

 

[00:39:58] Staci Bartley: No, no, that doesn't happen. I went to my best friend and my best friend had really great advice. Her advice was, oh, don't worry about that. Just douche after you have sex. You'll be fine. Okay. That makes sense. Not knowing what I didn't know. I bought into that and go, well, I guess that kind of makes some sense.

 

[00:40:16] Staci Bartley: Ironically, she and I both became pregnant in the same year, our junior year of high school. Okay. So we do these things unknowingly, like we, and then in our box-checking, right? My mom believed that she was sincerely helping me become a better person in relationships by making sure that you don't have sex before marriage.

 

[00:40:39] Staci Bartley: She believed that that's what messed her up, her relationship and why she wasn't happy in love. And so of course you can see the intensity of that being passed down to me. And as I keep looking back, the crazy part is that nobody is successful with this narrative. Like very few people are success successful with all the beliefs and points of view that need to happen in order to create this magical thing called a marriage that lasts forever.

 

[00:41:07] Staci Bartley: It's like the Santa Claus story. And at some point, we need to realize it's an idea. 

 

[00:41:12] Staci Bartley: It's not a place that we arrive at or stay because even if we experience it, the evolution and the journey of life is going to be such that there will be ups and flows. So I just need to say this, let me be clear. 

 

[00:41:28] Staci Bartley: I'm not suggesting that marital happiness is not possible, but rather than highlighting the institution of marriage does not ensure happiness.

 

[00:41:36] Staci Bartley: In fact, we now know it often suffocates it. So the truth is love is temporary and we never own it or anyone. And for that matter, and we come into this world alone and we will transcend it alone as well. And we have been told many lies around love and relationships that we need to start telling the truth about.

 

[00:42:00] Staci Bartley: You said you wanted to say something. 

 

[00:42:03] Tom Bartley: Ooh, big gulp there. No, I mean, and so just as we, as we kind of start to land this first episode, and I'm sure we've shared some things that, again, we're not taking a position, just want to remind you. We're simply helping us open up the dialogue and narrative around the story that oftentimes we're terrified to have.

 

[00:42:22] Tom Bartley: And some of these lies in this that we've been told are true. True love is forever love. 

 

[00:42:28] Staci Bartley: Yeah, that's not true. There are many, many love stories that were true love and they didn't last forever for multiple different reasons. So we need to let that one go. 

 

[00:42:40] Tom Bartley: Another one that we hear, all of them find your soulmate and everything will work out for you.

 

[00:42:44] Staci Bartley: That's not true. Either. A soulmate oftentimes is a person who is very similar to you. 

 

[00:42:51] Staci Bartley: And so there's no growth and progression. There's often a very rapid breakdown. 

 

[00:42:55] Tom Bartley: And then the last one is the one for you just knows how to love you.

 

[00:42:59] Staci Bartley: That one is my favorite right there because the truth is we don't know what we don't know.

 

[00:43:04] Staci Bartley: And I may love the pants off of you, but I may not know what you need truly. 

 

[00:43:09] Tom Bartley: And we say in teaching our body of work, It's up to us to teach our partner how to love us. And I know that may sound like wow you guys have really lost it. I'm not sure if you're, whatever you're drinking on that toast, but no, for real, it's up to us.

 

[00:43:23] Tom Bartley: How many times from the male side of the perspective, not to be chauvinist, but I can't read her mind or I can't read his mind. I mean, we are not mind-readers. So if we can specifically tell it and teach our partners how to love it. Then that's going to probably give us a much better chance to have a lifetime of love.

 

[00:43:39] Staci Bartley: I also want to point out where that place is the responsibility. Like if I'm waiting for my person who I hope loves me, if I'm waiting for them to know how to love me and I make it up that love is they know how to love me. That's going to be a disaster because they're not going to know how to love you until you disclose that. They're going to love you in a way that they want to be loved instead because that's all they know. 

 

[00:44:03] Staci Bartley: And so it's putting the responsibility of you being able to take the responsibility on a discovering what it is that makes you feel loved. And what it is you need in a romantic relationship and not blaming the other person for their inability to love you.

 

[00:44:18] Staci Bartley: Have you disclosed it? Have you asked for it? Have you spent any time, like exploring it for yourself? Can you articulate what it is you need and want? Can you teach them how to do it? That is gonna be what's required for you to become a good lover and to teach your lover to do the same. And you can see. And just what I said, that if they're not open to learning that that's going to be a problem.

 

[00:44:41] Staci Bartley: And if I don't know what it is, that's going to be a problem. And these are oftentimes, the things that break down the most incredible two people that love each other deeply. They just cannot figure out how to get their needs met. 

 

[00:44:54] Tom Bartley: Well again, so when we say you have to understand and love yourself, really what that means in practical terms is we have to be able to put our feelings and emotions into a language that we first understand, and then be able to articulate that and think about it when the heck has anyone ever shared that with you?

 

[00:45:11] Tom Bartley: And more importantly, when have you ever spent some time and dove into that and, and practice it. It's, it's a, it's an ever-evolving dynamic thing that's going to constantly change for the rest of our lives. Hence why this needs to be practiced and focused upon because who I was when Staci and I came together 11 years ago, it was much different than who I am today.

 

[00:45:32] Tom Bartley: So that script is always changing in myself and Staci's script is always changing within herself. So we each have to become constantly committed to becoming better and better. And always be sharing and open to what's going on inside of ourselves and articulate that to each other. 

 

[00:45:47] Staci Bartley: I'll leave you with this thought. We become better at love and relationships just like we do anything else in our lives by doing it over and over and over and over again, we become masterful at the things that we continue to do in our lives. And that is so true when it comes to our relationships, we just don't think about it like that. So I know we've given you a lot to think about right now.

 

[00:46:12] Staci Bartley: We're going to take a quick break. And when we come back, we're going to have a little bit of fun because we need to have a little bit of fun along on this journey as well. It's going to be time for our giveaway. And listen, if you have questions or comments about anything that we've shared with you here today regarding this chapter one, we would love to hear from you and you can also go to. You know this better than I do. 

 

[00:46:33] Tom Bartley: To go stacibartley.com/podcast right there. You'll see to leave us a message and we have an awesome piece of technology and it's real easy. You can leave us a message, you know, and just say, Hey, well, I think you guys are off your rocker, or I need more clarity. 

 

[00:46:46] Staci Bartley: And 

 

[00:46:46] Tom Bartley: At the end of the episode, we're going to tell you where to go to, to just get on a list of, oh yeah, you can go to lifetimeoflove.me, and then you'll get on our list and then we'll keep you abreast and remind you when we go launched live on day one, which is Staci's birthday, which is March 30th. 

 

[00:47:04] Staci Bartley: And that would be to get on our book list. So get on our book list and you can get all kinds of bonuses and resources that nobody else will have access to by getting on this list. So you can go there again. It's what honey, lifetimeoflove.me.

 

[00:47:18] Staci Bartley: We're going to take a quick break and we're going to come on back with a giveaway at the subtle end. It's going to be okay.

 

[00:47:36] Staci Bartley: Hey babe, did you know that the average couple spends only two hours a day with each other? And the majority of that time is spent eating, watching TV, and surfing social media rather than connecting with each other. And if children are involved, my gosh, it's even less time. 

 

[00:47:50] Tom Bartley: I know babe. That's why you created our Conversation Cards For Connection because they're the perfect conversation starter.

 

[00:47:55] Tom Bartley: So the next time you're sitting on the couch, rather than turning on the TV or grabbing your phone, pull out a card and get ready for some good old-fashioned laughter and loving connection. 

 

[00:48:02] Staci Bartley: Yeah and you can get your cards at stacibartley.com. 

 

[00:48:05] Announcer: Alternative talk 1150 on am, 98.9 HD three on HD, 1150kknw.com on the web.

 

[00:48:17] Staci Bartley: Hey, welcome back. And guess what it is the first week of the month. 

 

[00:48:21] Staci Bartley: And so every first week of the month, we do a giveaway and we're going to give away some of our conversation cards because it's been such a requested item. People who've won them, have loved them. And so we thought, okay!

 

[00:48:35] Tom Bartley: If you're watching right now, Staci's holding up a box of our conversation cards.

 

[00:48:39] Tom Bartley: If you're listening, you can see what they look like. You can go to our website, but they're really cool. They're literally a box. All you need to do is put your electronic device down, pull out a card, answer the question and look at your partner and then give that same privilege to your partner as well.

 

[00:48:56] Tom Bartley: It's 

 

[00:48:58] Staci Bartley: Sorry, honey. I didn't mean to talk over you, but I was just going to say, this is where we get to include our incredible engineer behind the scenes because we just want you to know it's random. We don't stockpile of these giveaways. And so he's going to pick a number between one and a hundred. 

 

[00:49:14] Staci Bartley: Eric what's your number today? 

 

[00:49:16] Eric Rider: Ooh, good question. Well, it's March. When we think of March, we often think of the Ides of March, right? Which I think is the 15th. So how about we go with 15? 

 

[00:49:29] Staci Bartley: 15. Okay. For those of you who were on the list. I just want you to know Eric typically errs on the side of less than more, which gives you a real clue in regards to, if you get on the list, you're likely to get picked. 

 

[00:49:44] Tom Bartley: Smaller number versus a higher number.

 

[00:49:47] Tom Bartley: Who's number 15. 

 

[00:49:50] Staci Bartley: Hmm. Okay. Oh, I love, I love the last name is Jenny shack and that's all I can tell you, but Jenny Shack, oh my gosh. That's, you've won. You've won a box of cards and we will email you to reach out to you to get your physical address so that we can send you your cards. If you're not on our fund list already, I'm going to encourage you to go get on there.

 

[00:50:14] Staci Bartley: They do lots of fun things. I tell you what, in addition to this giveaway, so. 

 

[00:50:21] Staci Bartley: It's so sad that we're done. 

 

[00:50:23] Tom Bartley: As we land this, we have we, you know, we always, we give you what we feel is the heart of the matter, you know? And then we got to have some fun. And then what do we, what are we feeling when this is an incredible song?

 

[00:50:34] Tom Bartley: I said, babe, you got to come up with this one. I mean, this is, this is your deal. This is your book. This is your big day. And when I heard this song, I said, Staci said, I need your undivided attention. Last night, she called me out and it was myself next to her and our coon dog Jigy, all three of us with the blanket sitting on the couch. 

 

[00:50:51] Staci Bartley: It was hard to find a song that will articulate the fact that sometimes the things that we've been taught in our relationships are fairytales. And that some of the things that we've built, some of our lives and relationships are on are sometimes not foundationally sound.

 

[00:51:06] Staci Bartley: And I know that was certainly my experience when I realized that even though I did it all perfectly. And my second round of marriage, it's still didn't provide the happiness that I was expecting it to, by adhering to all the principles and precepts that I had been taught. And that was a really disappointing moment.

 

[00:51:23] Staci Bartley: And that was a moment where I said, okay, I've got to start searching and looking for more because this isn't it either. Right. I felt like I'd screwed it up in the beginning. And so that drove me to go, okay, we're going to get this perfect and do it right next time. Only to find myself kind of at a different place but at the same feeling of, oh my gosh, it didn't work either now.

 

[00:51:43] Staci Bartley: What? 

 

[00:51:44] Staci Bartley: And I, I have no idea. Right. What that was going to look like. And a lot of the things that I was taught and the precepts and teachings, I thought marriage and doing it right, was going to give me were lies and illusions that were continual to be propagated. 

 

[00:51:59] Staci Bartley: And I don't think it's an ill intent. I think it's just because we don't know what else to turn to.

 

[00:52:04] Staci Bartley: And so in finding that song today, I finally landed on a casting crowns song called broken together. Now the song is perfect in my opinion. And it's such a beautiful song. I do encourage you to listen to.

 

[00:52:19] Tom Bartley: A really powerful video as well. 

 

[00:52:21] Staci Bartley: It is, I would encourage you to listen to it on YouTube, but you can also pick it up on our Spotify playlist that you can gain access to. On our website, we gave a song to every single episode because we want you to feel the essence of what it is we're talking about as well. And the words of this song really kind of say it all. The song opens by saying, what do you think about when you look at me? No, we are not the fairy tale or dreams to be.

 

[00:52:48] Staci Bartley: You wear the veil. We walked the aisle. You took my hand. We dove into mystery. It's going to take much more than a promise this time. And that's usually where we find ourselves in our relationships and in our marriages primarily is, gosh, we feel like we've done it all so well. I mean, like, I really believe 100% of the time we are all bringing the very best to the table that we know how to deliver and serve up.

 

[00:53:15] Staci Bartley: And in this, I hope that you find some comfort in this song because the song ends in saying maybe if we just are broken. Maybe if we just find the way to share what it is we need to share about what's working and what is working in our relationship, we can find a way through. And that is so. That is so true.

 

[00:53:36] Staci Bartley: That is the journey that lies ahead. There are no guarantees when it comes to love and relationships. That's just the reality of it. And we need to start telling the truth about that so that we can grapple with it. First of all, then we can learn some things that will take us to a better place. 

 

[00:53:52] Tom Bartley: Yeah, I would say absolutely. I mean, Remember the subtitle is, is, you know, a lifetime of love. So we are absolutely, we are passionate. This is what we do ladies and gentlemen is because we are designed and wired to be closely connected, you know, with a special, special someone again, relationships are the most, or all the regret comes at the end of our life.

 

[00:54:15] Tom Bartley: The things we didn't say the time we didn't take, so let's understand what's required so we can truly experience it in whatever way works. 

 

[00:54:24] Staci Bartley: Again, check out this week's song along with all of our other songs. 

 

[00:54:27] Tom Bartley: Check out, go to that link lifetimeoflove.me, and get on our list and we're going to keep you poised.

 

[00:54:33] Tom Bartley: And all of our episodes are this month are going to be all around Staci's new book. 

 

[00:54:37] Staci Bartley: And again, give them the URL 

 

[00:54:38] Tom Bartley: Lifetimeoflove.me. Thank you so much. Thanks to our awesome engineer, Eric Rider, and we'll see you. Same time, same place next week. 

 

[00:54:44] Staci Bartley: And thank you to you, to our listeners who make this possible.

 

[00:54:48] Staci Bartley: And thank you so much for helping us grow and spread the word. 

 

[00:54:51] Staci Bartley: So appreciate you. 

 

[00:54:53] Tom Bartley: We'll see you next week. Bye. Bye

 

[00:55:05] Announcer: Thanks for joining us today in the love shack, we hope you came away with something that made your toes tingle. To learn more about everything you heard on today's show. Go to Stacibartley.com/podcast. Love the show? Help us spread the love by sharing the show with others.

 

[00:55:26] Announcer: Okay. Everybody time ago. We've got to close the doors to the love shack for this week. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Come back next week though, and join us for another edition of love shack live with Tom & Staci Bartley.