#223: How to Let Go of the Past in a Relationship (Even When It Still Hurts)
“The past is a place of reference, not a place of residence.” – Roy T. Bennett
You’re standing in the kitchen, stirring a pot of sauce. Maybe scrolling your phone, pretending. But the real action is unspoken, the air’s heavy, thick with the weight of everything that hasn’t been said.
You want to say something.
“I’m still hurt.”
“I’m still angry.”
“I don’t know how to forgive you.”
But you don’t.
So you stir.
This is how relationships often start to come undone, not because the love is gone, but because no one knows how to move through the pain.
Welcome to Love Shack Live, a space for couples standing at a relationship crossroads. Maybe you’re in the thick of daily conflict. Maybe you’ve stopped talking altogether. Maybe you’re still hoping, against the odds, that love is worth saving.
Let’s talk about what happens when the past holds you hostage, and how to finally let it go.
When the Past Becomes a Weapon
Here’s what we’ve seen, time and time again.
Mistakes happen. Betrayals, missteps, poor decisions. None of us get through love without scars. But what keeps couples stuck isn’t the pain itself. It’s the shame. The silence. The subtle ways we use the past as a weapon.
You think you’re protecting yourself by holding on. In reality? You’re exhausting yourself by reliving the same emotional injury over and over again.
Relationships don’t break because people stop loving each other.
They break because people don’t know what to do with the pain.
Start Here: Understand Why You’re Stuck
You can’t move forward until you understand why you’re not. And more often than not, it’s because you’re buying into this belief:
“If I let go, it means what happened didn’t matter.”
Wrong. Letting go isn’t the same as excusing harm. It doesn’t mean forgetting. It means choosing your future over your fear.
The past doesn’t have to be the benchmark for what’s possible next. But you have to stop dragging it into every present moment like a suitcase full of broken glass.
When it comes to relationships, the key is doing. It’s about engaging in the messy, often uncomfortable practice of applying what we know in real-time. And guess what? That’s normal.
The Separation Survival Kit
Feeling lost after your partner asked for space? The Separation Survival Kit has everything you need to regain your footing. Packed with practical tips and guided exercises, it’s designed to help you navigate the uncertainty and make empowered decisions—without the spiral of overthinking.
Shift from Punishment to Partnership
Let’s be real: most of us don’t know how to repair pain. We default to what we learned as kids—punishment, withholding, shutting down.
But punishment kills connection. It keeps you stuck in cycles of shame, fear, and emotional distance.
Instead, try this:
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Get curious, not critical
Ask, “What happened for you during that moment?” instead of “How could you?”
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Validate, don’t vanish
Even if you’re hurting, stay emotionally present. Ghosting doesn’t create safety. It builds resentment.
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Don’t wait for them to ‘deserve’ grace
Forgiveness isn’t a reward. It’s a release.
The Mess Is the Lesson
Mistakes aren’t evidence of failure. They’re proof you’re human.
If you or your partner are navigating addiction, betrayal, or a history of avoidance—know this: you are not broken. You’re learning in real time.
And learning always includes messing up.
What matters is what you extract from the mess:
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What triggered it?
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What were you unaware of then that you can now see?
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How can this moment shape you into a better partner?
When we embrace mistakes as data, not identity, we gain clarity, not shame.
Reframe the Fear of “It Happening Again”
One of the most common questions we hear:
“What if they do it again?”
Or worse: “What if I do it again?”
The hard truth? There are no guarantees.
But here’s a better question:
“Who do I want to become regardless of what happens next?”
You only control one half of the relationship equation. But your half is powerful. Show up in a way that leaves you proud of who you are, regardless of outcome.
That’s your emotional freedom.
Make the Shift: 3 Practical Ways to Let Go
Letting go isn’t a one-time decision. It’s a daily practice. Here’s where to start:
1. Turn “Don’t Wants” into “Do Wants”
Write down everything you’re resisting:
“I don’t want to feel betrayed.”
“I don’t want to argue constantly.”
Then flip the script:
“I want to feel safe.”
“I want calm communication.”
Now you’ve got direction. You’ve got a target.
2. Take one small action today
Don’t swing for the fences. Send a kind text. Share one feeling. Skip one criticism. Small shifts build momentum.
3. Stop reliving old pain
You can’t change what happened. But you can stop replaying it on loop. Create a ritual to close the chapter—write it down, burn the paper, bury it, speak it out loud. Make space for something new.
Rebuild the Future You Once Imagined
Remember the beginning?
When you dreamed together? Built castles in the sky? Talked about travel, dogs, front porches, passion, purpose?
Go back there.
What’s still alive in those dreams? What’s shifted? What’s waiting to be rewritten?
Sit down. Talk about it. Dream again.
Because couples don’t heal by fixing what’s broken.
Final Word: Let It Be Messy
Letting go of the past isn’t neat. It’s not linear. Some days you’ll feel free. Other days, you’ll find yourself scrolling, stewing, repeating the old story.
That’s okay. That’s part of the process.
But here’s what I know for sure:
💡You are not too broken to love again.
💡You are not too far gone to try again.
💡You are not too late to rewrite the story.
Rebuild the Future You Once Imagined
If you’re stuck in communication gridlock, start with our $9 Communication Playbook—a simple, actionable tool to shift how you talk when things get hard.
Or, if you’re ready to go deeper, join our Better Love Club and get the guidance and structure to rebuild trust, connection, and shared dreams.
Because love isn’t luck.
It’s a skill. A practice. A choice.
And you don’t have to do it alone.
Resources mentioned in this episode:
Has your partner asked for space? Don’t panic—it’s not the end. It’s an opportunity to reflect, rebuild, and reconnect.
- Download the Separation Survival Kit: Your essential guide to managing emotional distance, staying grounded, and creating clarity during this uncertain time. Get it here: https://stacibartley.com/separation-survival-kit/optin
- Start Your Self-Paced 30-Day Roadmap: This flexible, step-by-step guide is designed to help you navigate emotional distance, honor your partner’s need for space, and rebuild trust—on your own terms and timeline. Learn more and get started today: https://stacibartley.com/self-paced/30-day-roadmap
- Discover All Our Programs: From expert mentorship to proven strategies, find the perfect fit to support your relationship journey. Explore here: https://stacibartley.com/programs/index/
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Take this moment as a chance to grow—both individually and together. ❤️
