#222: The Real Reason You Can’t Change Your Relationship Patterns (And How to Fix It)
“I know better than this!” Sound familiar? We all have moments when we feel like we should be past certain relationship hurdles, yet we find ourselves right back where we started. If you’ve ever thought, “I should know better,” but still find yourself stumbling through the same emotional potholes, you’re not alone. In today’s post, we’re diving into why the gap between knowing what to do and actually doing it can feel as vast as an ocean, and how to start bridging that gap.
The Knowledge Trap
You’ve read the books, followed the experts, and saved countless motivational quotes. You know exactly what you should do in your relationship. And yet, when the heat is on, when things get tough, you find yourself frozen. Tongue-tied. Backed into a corner. What happened? Why can’t you just put the knowledge you’ve accumulated into action?
As we talk about in this episode, this isn’t about lacking knowledge, it’s about lacking practice. It’s a nervous system issue. A support system issue. It’s a common struggle we all face. We know what to do, but we can’t seem to do it when it matters most.
Why Knowing Isn’t Enough
The truth is, understanding love isn’t the same as practicing it. Knowing the steps to a better relationship is a great first step, but real change happens when we integrate those lessons into our daily lives. Here’s the kicker: this doesn’t happen overnight. Brooke shared a crucial point: while knowledge makes us feel accomplished, it gives us a false sense of progress. It’s like admiring a blueprint of a house without ever laying a single brick.
When it comes to relationships, the key is doing. It’s about engaging in the messy, often uncomfortable practice of applying what we know in real-time. And guess what? That’s normal.
The Separation Survival Kit
Feeling lost after your partner asked for space? The Separation Survival Kit has everything you need to regain your footing. Packed with practical tips and guided exercises, it’s designed to help you navigate the uncertainty and make empowered decisions—without the spiral of overthinking.
The Importance of Practice
I have long emphasized that love isn’t a skill learned in a vacuum. It’s something we develop through real-life practice, through experience and ongoing dialogue. Think of it like going to the gym. You don’t build muscle in one session, you need repetition, consistency, and a supportive environment.
As Tom wisely says, behavior change is hard, but it’s not impossible. It’s not about being perfect; it’s about showing up, trying again, and getting feedback along the way. It’s like preparing for the Super Bowl. If you only show up for the big game without any practice, you’re setting yourself up for failure. Relationships are the same way.
Building Communities of Support
This is where community comes in. Real change happens when we practice in a safe, supportive environment. I shared a few powerful stories from the Better Love Club, highlighting how practicing with others, and receiving feedback in real-time, can transform your relationships.
The beauty of community? You’re not alone. You get to practice, stumble, and grow together. This shared experience helps you step into uncomfortable conversations and learn from each other.
Relationships: The Ultimate Teacher
Here’s something we often overlook: relationships are the ultimate teachers. They challenge us, teach us, and reveal parts of ourselves we may have never seen before. The highs, the lows, the joys, and the struggles, all of them are lessons in disguise.
I often remind my clients that love isn’t magic. It’s a skill to be learned. And when we invest in practicing that skill, we see improvements, not just in our relationships, but in our emotional and mental well-being, too.
Moving Forward with Courage
So what now? If you find yourself stuck in the cycle of “I should know better,” let’s reframe it: instead of thinking “I should know better,” try thinking, “I need more practice.”
It’s time to normalize the messiness of the process. Yes, there will be setbacks. Yes, things will get uncomfortable. But this is how we grow. This is how we move forward. Don’t let the fear of imperfection hold you back. Practice is the key to mastering any skill, and love is no different.
In today’s fast-paced world, we need to invest in our relationships. It’s time to create environments that foster growth, where practice, patience, and learning from one another can flourish. Start with small steps. Celebrate your progress. And remember: practice makes better.
Final Thoughts
As you journey through this relational maze, whether it’s with a partner, a friend, or even yourself, remember this: progress takes time. It’s a process of constant learning, unlearning, and practicing. Love teaches us every day. When we’re willing to embrace the lessons, we uncover new ways of being and connecting.
That’s why we created the Space & Separation Communication Playbook, a $9 self-assessment and strategy guide that walks you through:
-
Identifying your survival pattern
-
Understanding how it affects your conversations
-
Learning real ways to shift communication (without losing yourself)
It’s simple. It’s specific. And it can save you weeks, or months, of painful miscommunication.
🎧 Grab the playbook here: https://stacibartley.com/separation-survival-kit/space-communication-playbook
You’re not broken. You’re not failing. You’re just using strategies that got you here, and now, it’s time for new ones to take you forward.
Thanks for joining us. We’ll be back next week with more tools, real talk, and support to help you navigate love, space, and everything in between.
Resources mentioned in this episode:
Has your partner asked for space? Don’t panic—it’s not the end. It’s an opportunity to reflect, rebuild, and reconnect.
- Download the Separation Survival Kit: Your essential guide to managing emotional distance, staying grounded, and creating clarity during this uncertain time. Get it here: https://stacibartley.com/separation-survival-kit/optin
- Start Your Self-Paced 30-Day Roadmap: This flexible, step-by-step guide is designed to help you navigate emotional distance, honor your partner’s need for space, and rebuild trust—on your own terms and timeline. Learn more and get started today: https://stacibartley.com/self-paced/30-day-roadmap
- Discover All Our Programs: From expert mentorship to proven strategies, find the perfect fit to support your relationship journey. Explore here: https://stacibartley.com/programs/index/
- Exclusive for Podcast Listeners: Use the code LOVESHACK15 at checkout to unlock your special discount!
Take this moment as a chance to grow—both individually and together. ❤️
