#193: When Your Self-Improvement Journey Triggers Your Partner's Insecurities (Part 3)
Navigating the Storm: Resourcing from Within to Strengthen Your Relationship
In the last couple of episodes, we've talked about the deep frustration of waiting—waiting for your partner to change, waiting to have them meet you where you are, waiting to finally make your relationship whole again. What if, despite your best efforts, focusing on yourself only seems to make the fighting worse?
That's the conversation in today’s blog post. Could this self-focus, or as I like to say, “resourcing from within,” be driving a wedge between you and your partner? Or might it actually be the key to something greater?
Welcome to the Love Shack Live community, your safe haven for relationship insights and practical advice. If you're grappling with daily conflicts, feeling an emotional gap widening between you and your partner, and yearning to rebuild a bond that's genuine and lasting, you are in the right place. I’m Staci Bartley, a relationship expert, and today, we’re diving into a pivotal question: Can the tension that arises from focusing on yourself be transformed into something that brings you closer together rather than tearing you apart?
The Concept of Resourcing from Within
Let’s talk about what I mean when I say resourcing from within yourself versus resourcing from others. This is key to finding a stable foundation in your life and relationships. In today’s society, we are very good at resourcing from others. We often negate our own feelings regarding what works for us and what doesn’t because of what we see on social media or hear from external sources.
For example, you might follow routines and behaviors that others recommend without pausing to consider whether they truly fit your needs and values. This can manifest in your relationship too, where you feel responsible for your partner’s happiness without recognizing your own emotional exhaustion.
Recognizing the Problem
How does this pattern show up in our relationships? Simply put, if my partner isn’t happy, then I can’t be. If my kids are mad, then I need to fix it. I start resourcing from what I think they need to help them feel better, all while falling apart within myself because I don’t know how to resource from within. It’s one of the biggest problems I see in my work with couples and individuals.
We can override our natural inclinations, making up stories about what’s happening instead of pausing to consider our own needs. This becomes a cycle where we neglect our internal state and depend on others for validation and direction.
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Building Internal Resilience
The flip side of this is learning to find your strength and validation from within. When you do this, you gain the power to handle unexpected challenges and heal from within. This doesn’t mean you don’t need others—it means that you stop relying on external validation as your primary source of emotional stability.
Our daughter, Brooke, is a beautiful example of this. She shared her journey of moving from needing constant reassurance to finding resilience within herself—learning that she could read troubling news and self-soothe rather than seeking immediate external validation. This amazing journey happens when you take incremental steps towards self-reliance and internal validation.
The Ripple Effect on Your Relationship
When one partner begins to show personal growth and internal self-reliance, it often spurs a reaction in the other. Sometimes, this is met with resentment or anger because it forces the other partner to look at their own areas for growth. This can be a difficult dynamic to navigate.
However, understanding that your partner’s resistance often stems from their own struggles can help. It’s essential to approach these situations with empathy and patience. Invite your partner to join you on your journey rather than demanding change. This approach fosters a nurturing environment where both partners can grow.
Compassion in Conflict
In managing conflicts, focus on maintaining clarity and compassion. Understand that beneath your partner’s defensiveness or criticism lies their struggle to find a stable place within themselves. Don’t take their outbursts personally. Instead, establish boundaries while offering support, allowing them the space to work through their emotions.
An example would be saying, “I’m sorry you’re struggling, and I’m here to listen when you’re ready to talk calmly.” Offer your support without compromising your own emotional health.
The Importance of Continued Growth
Remember, resourcing from within is a continuous journey. It’s about feeling good about who you are, how you’re showing up, and how you’re navigating your emotions. Keep doing the work for yourself first and foremost, and you’ll be in a much better position to support your partner through their challenges.
When we each take responsibility for our own well-being, we create a dynamic where both partners can thrive. It’s not about one person saving the other, but about each person standing strong within themselves and offering genuine support from that place of strength.
Pain and conflict are inevitable parts of life and relationships. True relational health is not the absence of pain, but the understanding of how to address it and use it as a tool for growth. Embrace your journey of resourcing from within, knowing that it empowers you to navigate any storm.
Resources mentioned in this episode:
- Better Love Club: Access unlimited resources, workshops, and a supportive community to deepen your relationship skills. Explore the club.
- Relationship Conversation Cards: Enhance your communication and deepen your connection with our Relationship Conversation Cards. stacibartley.com/cards
