You’ve been counting days. Not on purpose. You just know how long it’s been since your partner really looked at you. Maybe they asked for space. Maybe they didn’t ask for anything. They just got quiet, and now you live with someone who answers your questions but doesn’t really tell you anything.
It’s 11 at night. Your phone is in your hand, and you’re deciding whether to send the long text or let it go one more time.
About 2,400 times a month in the U.S., someone types “how to know when your marriage is over” into Google. Behind every one of those searches is a person asking a question they can’t quite say out loud yet. Maybe you’re one of them.
So let’s talk about the question I get every single week: How long am I supposed to wait?
Stuck in the land of maybe
Here’s what it usually looks like. You have a great weekend. You talk, you laugh, maybe you even feel close again. You think, okay, we’re going to be fine. Then something happens, it all falls apart, and you’re right back at zero.
So you start keeping score in your head. A plus for the good day. Minus, minus, minus for the bad ones. And you can’t decide whether to give it everything you’ve got or start quietly wrapping things up.
We call this the land of maybe. You’re not in. You’re not out. It’s one of the most exhausting places a person can be, because every good moment brings your hope back right before the next hard moment takes it away.
No wonder you want a timeline.
What I got wrong in my second marriage
I want to tell you about a part of my life I’ve barely talked about on the podcast.
My second marriage lasted 13 years. Plenty of what went wrong was never mine to fix. But one part belonged to me, and it was this: I pushed. I pushed, and I pushed, and I pushed.
I was sure I had the answers. I remember thinking, “If you would just start doing this and stop doing that, we’d be so good again.” The scarier things got, the harder I pushed. And the harder I pushed, the less room there was for him to tell me what was really going on.
In the episode, I share the whole story, including what I now call “bleeding out the back,” and what was mine to own and what never was.
Then Tom asked for space
About 10 years ago, two years into my relationship with Tom, something happened and he said, “I need some space.”
And I felt it. That same old urge to beg, to plead, to explain everything one more time.
This time, I caught myself. Here’s what I finally understood, and it’s the one thing I want you to take from this post:
If someone stays because they feel pushed, guilted or obligated, you lose them anyway.
You might keep them in the house. But you don’t get the person you fell in love with. You get someone going through the motions, saying what you want to hear, but not really there.
I had to be willing to risk losing Tom so he could freely choose to stay. That’s easy to say and really hard to do. And I watched the same thing play out at the mediation table again and again.
Obligation sounds like “You promised.” An invitation tells your partner what needs to change and what you want to build with them, and then gives them room to choose it. And to be clear, giving someone room to choose does not mean letting them keep hurting you.
Three things we do while we wait
When we’re scared of losing someone, most of us fall into at least one of these:
- Pushing harder. The long texts at night. “Please, can we just talk?” Explaining your feelings one more time, sure the right words will finally get through.
- Putting your life on hold. You stop making plans and stop making decisions, afraid that anything you do might keep them from coming back.
- Searching for answers. ChatGPT at midnight. Every relationship podcast out there. Checking their location.
Every one of these comes from love. And every one of them can make things harder. I give each pattern a name in the episode and talk through why it so often pushes your partner further away.
You own your part. You don’t own theirs.
I know how a conversation like this can land, so let me say it plainly. I’m not telling you that you’re the problem. I’m not telling you to be the only one trying, or to wait patiently forever while someone decides whether you’re worth it.
You own your part. You don’t own theirs. When you’re in the middle of it, those two things are really hard to tell apart.
Brooke also brings up something important in this episode: what we tend to skip over when our partner’s mistakes were much bigger than ours. It’s worth hearing.
Listen to the full episode
In this episode of Love Shack Live, you’ll hear:
- The story of my second marriage, and the moment years later when I almost did the same thing with Tom
- What “bleeding out the back” means, and why it happens when there’s no room to talk
- A mediation story about obligation that I’ve never forgotten
- Names for the three patterns, and why each one tends to push your partner away
- Brooke’s point about what we miss when our partner’s mistake was bigger
- A few simple ways to find a little ease when “just relax” feels impossible
Next week, I’ll share what I actually did when Tom needed space.
Not sure if it’s a rough patch or something more?
Take our free Better Love Quiz. It’s 22 questions and takes about five minutes. You’ll get a clear picture of where you are and what you can do today. It’s free and private, and your partner is never contacted.
Love isn’t enough, but skills are.
