#232: How to Feel Seen and Heard in Your Relationship Again
“Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes—including you.” —Anne Lamott
Let’s start with a hard truth: Most couples are stuck in a cycle of fixing or pleasing, thinking these are the keys to connection. But what if those well-intended habits are actually keeping us lonely?
I see it every week in the Better Love Club, and I’ve lived it myself. You pour your heart out, hoping for understanding, and the other person hands you a solution, or changes the subject. Maybe you’re the one who leaps in to cheerlead, or offer advice, and you watch your partner’s face close up like a clam. Sound familiar? It’s not your fault. You’re not broken. But there’s a better way.
Connection Is Not What You Think
Let’s clear this up: Connection is not about being perfect, or always agreeing, or even keeping the peace. In fact, it’s not about doing at all. It’s about being, raw, present, and honest. Most couples, like Maya and Alex (yes, names changed, but the story is real), believe if they keep the house spotless, check all the “good partner” boxes, and avoid conflict, love will naturally follow. It doesn’t.
Maya kept the trains running. Alex tried to fix everything. Both thought this was love in action. Both ended up exhausted, resentful, and profoundly alone.
Their weekends? Predictable. Their conversations? Safe, but shallow. Their intimacy? Vanished, even as they pretended everything was fine.
The Real Equation: Reveal + Witness = Safety
Here’s what most of us miss: Connection is built in the simple, terrifying act of revealing what’s true, and witnessing what’s true for the other person. I reveal. You witness. You reveal. I witness. That’s where intimacy grows.
It’s a loop. Each time someone risks revealing, and is received (not fixed, not redirected, not judged), safety grows. The more safety, the more intimacy.
So why is it so hard?
The Separation Survival Kit
Feeling lost after your partner asked for space? The Separation Survival Kit has everything you need to regain your footing. Packed with practical tips and guided exercises, it’s designed to help you navigate the uncertainty and make empowered decisions—without the spiral of overthinking.
Why Revealing Is So Scary (and So Powerful)
Vulnerability is sweaty, awkward, and can make your stomach flip. It’s standing on a stage, with no script and no costume. But here’s the magic: vulnerability is the most empowered position you can take in a relationship. It’s saying, “Here’s what’s true for me.” Not as an accusation. Not to control. Just to reveal.
Want a way to practice? Start small. Share a thought or feeling that feels a little risky. Say, “There’s something I want to share with you, no need to fix or respond, just hear me.” The more you practice, the easier it gets. Vulnerability is a muscle, not a one-time act.
The Art of Witnessing (Without Freaking Out)
Now, the flip side. Witnessing. This is where most of us struggle, especially in a world that moves fast and values quick fixes.
To witness means to receive the other person’s reveal. No advice. No interruption. No correction. Just be present. If you’re dying to fix, count to ten. Take a breath. Let the moment sit. You’ll have time to respond, but don’t rush it.
If you must say something, try, “I hear you. Thank you for telling me.” Or, “I can see how you feel that way.” That’s it.
Pro tip: If you get triggered or defensive (and you will), own it. Say, “Can we pause? I’m having a reaction, but I want to hear you. Can we try again?” Do-overs are gold.
What Gets in the Way? (Spoiler: It’s Being Right)
Most breakdowns happen because we value being right over being connected. If your partner gets the details wrong—don’t correct them mid-share. Hold your tongue. The safety to be imperfect is more important than the facts in the moment. You can clarify later.
Practice: The Connection Loop in Real Life
Try this tonight.
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Start small.
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Reveal something real: “Here’s something I want to share with you—no need to respond.”
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If you’re the witness, listen fully. Pause before you speak.
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Switch roles.
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If you mess up, try again. Do-overs are allowed.
Every time you complete the loop, you build safety. Every time you defend, correct, or fix, you slow the process. Be patient with yourself. This is lifetime work.
Key Takeaways:
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Connection isn’t fixing or pleasing. It’s honest revealing and safe witnessing.
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Start small. Build trust with little risks.
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Pause before you react. Silence is a skill.
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Allow do-overs. This is practice, not a performance.
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If you want more support, join a community. Practicing with others makes this easier.
Resources mentioned in this episode:
Has your partner asked for space? Don’t panic—it’s not the end. It’s an opportunity to reflect, rebuild, and reconnect.
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Take this moment as a chance to grow—both individually and together. ❤️
