Have you ever walked into a conversation thinking, Okay… this is going to be about money.
Or parenting. Or sex. Or the thing you agreed on that didn’t happen (again).
And then somehow… you end up in the exact same place you always do.
Confusion. Defensiveness. Frustration. That familiar resentment that makes you think, Why do we keep doing this? Why can’t we get through it?
If that’s you right now, I want you to hear this with a lot of tenderness:
You’re not broken. Your relationship isn’t doomed. And you’re not fighting like this because you don’t love each other.
Most long-term relationships don’t fall apart because people stop caring. They fall apart because people run out of emotional gas. And when we’re tired and scared and stretched thin, we stop trying to understand… and we start trying to protect ourselves.
What if the problem isn’t the topic… it’s the pattern?
A lot of couples think, If we could just solve this one issue, we’d be fine.
But unskilled patterns don’t disappear. They repeat. And over time, they escalate.
The conversation stops being about the topic and turns into something else entirely: self-protection.
Your nervous system takes over. Logic goes offline. And suddenly you’re not talking about money anymore… you’re fighting about what you think it means about you, about your partner, about the relationship.
That’s why it feels like you’re talking in circles.
The courtroom is not where your relationship heals
One of the biggest shifts I teach is this: when we’re activated, we tend to go into “courtroom energy.”
We put ourselves on trial. Or we put our partner on trial. We gather evidence. We argue like someone has to be guilty for us to feel safe again.
But healing doesn’t happen in the courtroom.
It happens in the classroom.
The classroom is where we get curious enough to ask:
What is the pattern here? What happens inside me when this comes up? What happens inside you?
Because I can’t change what I don’t understand.
A quick warning: there are a few “fighting words” that blow things up fast
When we feel threatened or misunderstood, we’re tempted to cross certain lines. And once we do, things usually go sideways fast:
- “I know what you’re thinking.”
- “I know why you did that.”
- “You don’t actually feel that way.”
- “Your intentions are always the same.”
Please hear me: even if you’re hurt, those are fighting words. They create doubt in the other person. And doubt makes people defensive, shut down, or come out swinging.
The simplest shift that changes the entire tone
Here’s one sentence I want you to tuck in your pocket:
“When that happens, this is what happens inside me.”
Not: “Here’s what you’re doing wrong.”
Not: “Here’s who you are.”
Just: This is what happens inside me.
That one shift keeps you out of the courtroom. It opens the door to understanding instead of accusation.
A playful pattern interrupt (that actually works)
If you’re someone who gets flooded fast, try this before you react:
- Hum a favorite song for 20–30 seconds and shake out the energy (yes, I mean a tiny dance party).
- Or do three exaggerated facial releases: puff your cheeks, stick out your tongue, shake out your jaw.
It sounds silly. That’s why it works. It interrupts the nervous system spiral long enough for you to choose a different next step.
If you’re stuck in the cycle, you don’t need another “big talk.” You need clarity.
If you’re listening to this and thinking, This is us, I don’t want you to white-knuckle your way through one more conversation that ends in the same spiral.
You need to understand the pattern you’re stuck in, what’s driving it, and what to do instead.
👉 Book a Clarity Call here: stacibartley.com/apply
Love isn’t enough. But skills are. And you can learn them.
