#221: The 3 Communication Patterns That Are Making Space Worse (And What to Do Instead)
“Poor communication is the #1 predictor of divorce.”
That stat stops me in my tracks every time. Because it’s not big blowups that end relationships, it’s the slow, quiet erosion of how we talk to each other… or how we stop talking altogether.
If you’ve been giving your partner space, but it feels like you’re growing further apart, not closer, you’re not imagining things. You might be overthinking every text. Or going completely silent, afraid anything you say will make it worse. You watch their social media for clues. You rehearse conversations you’re too scared to have.
The truth? Most people don’t realize they’ve slipped into an emotional survival pattern, one that actually sabotages reconnection, even when your heart’s in the right place.
Understanding Emotional Survival Patterns
Welcome to Love Shack Live, the show for people at a relationship crossroads. The ones feeling stuck between the past they miss and the future they can’t yet see. I’m Staci Bartley, joined by my partner Tom and our daughter Brooke, and today we’re exploring the emotional coping styles that show up during space, separation, and stress.
There are three common communication patterns we see again and again. And knowing yours can shift everything.
Identifying Your Pattern
When emotions run high and connection feels fragile, we tend to default to one of three modes:
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We try to fix.
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We try to disappear.
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Or we do both, back and forth, and drive ourselves nuts.
These aren’t flaws. They’re survival responses. They once protected you. But now? They may be preventing the very connection you crave.
The Separation Survival Kit
Feeling lost after your partner asked for space? The Separation Survival Kit has everything you need to regain your footing. Packed with practical tips and guided exercises, it’s designed to help you navigate the uncertainty and make empowered decisions—without the spiral of overthinking.
The Controller
Controllers spring into action when things feel uncertain. We text. We send links to podcasts and books. We offer solutions, push for clarity, and try to lead the charge. The intention is good, progress, healing, forward motion! But often, that push feels overwhelming or dismissive to a partner who’s hurting. In the rush to fix, Controllers can miss what needs to be felt first.
The Collapser
Collapsers do the opposite. When emotions flare, they retreat. They say, “Let’s not make this a big deal.” They keep the peace at all costs, even their own voice. Conflict feels dangerous, so they swallow their feelings to avoid rocking the boat. But silence doesn’t mean they don’t care. It often means they care so much, they’re afraid the truth will break everything.
The Drifter
Drifters? They flip between both. One day they’re initiating deep conversation. The next, they vanish. Push-pull. Hope-fear. It’s a dizzying cycle that leaves them confused, and their partners even more so. Drifters are master adapters, but the lack of consistency can feel like chaos. Inside, they’re just trying to make it through each emotional wave without drowning.
Bridging the Gap
Here’s the thing: there’s no “better” or “worse” pattern. No right. No wrong. Just learned responses to emotional overwhelm. And once you see your pattern, you can start to shift it.
Understanding these patterns helps you:
- Communicate more clearly under stress.
- Recognize your partner’s behavior with more compassion.
- Stop unintentionally triggering each other.
- Rebuild safety, step by step.
Final Thoughts: This Is the Beginning, Not the End
You don’t need to keep spiraling, walking on eggshells, or trying to “say the right thing.” You need insight. A new understanding of what’s really happening beneath the silence or the overtalking.
That’s why we created the Space & Separation Communication Playbook, a $9 self-assessment and strategy guide that walks you through:
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Identifying your survival pattern
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Understanding how it affects your conversations
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Learning real ways to shift communication (without losing yourself)
It’s simple. It’s specific. And it can save you weeks, or months, of painful miscommunication.
🎧 Grab the playbook here: https://stacibartley.com/separation-survival-kit/space-communication-playbook
You’re not broken. You’re not failing. You’re just using strategies that got you here, and now, it’s time for new ones to take you forward.
Thanks for joining us. We’ll be back next week with more tools, real talk, and support to help you navigate love, space, and everything in between.
And hey, if you try the Tantrum Tamer 3000, please send us a video. 😉
Resources mentioned in this episode:
Has your partner asked for space? Don’t panic—it’s not the end. It’s an opportunity to reflect, rebuild, and reconnect.
- Download the Separation Survival Kit: Your essential guide to managing emotional distance, staying grounded, and creating clarity during this uncertain time. Get it here: https://stacibartley.com/separation-survival-kit/optin
- Start Your Self-Paced 30-Day Roadmap: This flexible, step-by-step guide is designed to help you navigate emotional distance, honor your partner’s need for space, and rebuild trust—on your own terms and timeline. Learn more and get started today: https://stacibartley.com/self-paced/30-day-roadmap
- Discover All Our Programs: From expert mentorship to proven strategies, find the perfect fit to support your relationship journey. Explore here: https://stacibartley.com/programs/index/
- Exclusive for Podcast Listeners: Use the code LOVESHACK15 at checkout to unlock your special discount!
Take this moment as a chance to grow—both individually and together. ❤️
