#234: Why Do I Keep Pretending Everything’s Fine in My Relationship?
"67% of relationship conflict isn't meant to be solved. It’s just meant to be navigated."
Welcome to a new era of understanding relationships. We’re diving into deep waters today, exploring why connection in relationships is so hard and why genuine intimacy requires more than just love. In this post, we’ll explore actionable insights and skills that can transform how you engage with your partner.
The Big Disconnect No One Talks About
Many of us fall in love, but we don’t fall into skill. We feel the spark, the electricity. We want to be chosen and to matter deeply. But when hard things arise—conflict, grief, stress, disappointment—we clam up or lash out. We pretend. We perform. We push down what’s real so we can "keep the peace."
But here’s the cost: When we pretend everything’s fine, we quietly disappear from our own lives.
We start living in what I call the "pretend and illusion" stage. It's a place where we perform love, instead of practice it. We start clinging to the dream of what could be, instead of facing the truth of what is.
Why Do We Do This?
Because vulnerability is terrifying.
We were never taught how to speak the hard truths with grace. Or how to listen without defense. And so we keep quiet. We stop sharing. We withhold. We over-function. We try to love harder, please more, give everything—hoping it will somehow finally be enough to make the connection feel real.
But pretending to be fine doesn't create connection.
It creates disconnection, loneliness, resentment, and eventually, breakdown.
The Separation Survival Kit
Feeling lost after your partner asked for space? The Separation Survival Kit has everything you need to regain your footing. Packed with practical tips and guided exercises, it’s designed to help you navigate the uncertainty and make empowered decisions—without the spiral of overthinking.
The Truth About Connection
True connection doesn’t mean your partner always gets it.
It means they hear you. They see you. And they let you be known—even when it’s hard.
This is where the loop of connection lives: Reveal, witness. Reveal, witness. And yes, it must go both ways. When one person is always revealing and the other isn’t, the imbalance begins to erode intimacy.
What Happens When We Skip This?
When we can’t reveal and witness, we start to:
- Shut down emotionally
- Personalize everything
- Get defensive
- Feel like we’re the only one trying
- Compete for who’s doing more in the relationship
- Slip into silent suffering
We keep waiting for the other person to finally get it, but the truth is: they can't read our minds. And our silence isn't noble. It's a slow unraveling of the very connection we say we crave.
Skills > Fairytales
Love is a beautiful starting point. But it is not the full equation.
We need emotional skills: how to regulate our nervous system, how to stay in conversation when we’re triggered, how to express without blame, how to listen without fixing.
These aren’t just nice-to-haves. They are non-negotiables for sustainable, healthy intimacy.
And yes, they can be learned. (We teach them every week inside The Better Love Club, our membership for couples ready to do real relational work.)
Try This: Reveal Roulette
Want to start practicing? Try this low-stakes game with your partner:
- Something small that’s been bothering me lately is...
- If you really knew me right now, you’d know that I’m feeling...
- One thing I wish I could say out loud more often is...
- Here’s something I pretend doesn’t matter to me, but it really does...
- A moment this week when I felt disconnected was...
- One thing I’m afraid you might misunderstand about me is...
Roll a die or pick a number. One person reveals, the other witnesses. No fixing. No advice. Just presence.
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👉 Click here to enroll now or learn more about what the Roadmap includes.
Resources mentioned in this episode:
Has your partner asked for space? Don’t panic—it’s not the end. It’s an opportunity to reflect, rebuild, and reconnect.
- Download the Separation Survival Kit: Your essential guide to managing emotional distance, staying grounded, and creating clarity during this uncertain time. Get it here: https://stacibartley.com/separation-survival-kit/optin
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Take this moment as a chance to grow—both individually and together. ❤️
