Episode 71: [Rebroadcast] How To Stop Fighting In A Relationship In 20-Seconds Or Less

[00:00:00] Announcer: Hey, thanks for coming. Welcome to the love shack.

 

[00:00:12] Staci Bartley: Hey, welcome to the love shack. It's a little old place where we get to get together, explore fresh perspectives, eavesdrop on juicy conversations and uncover the mysteries that nobody talks about, but absolutely influence our relationships. If you are struggling with your special someone, this show is dedicated to helping people rescue their relationships. And we do it with people from around the world. I am Staci Bartley and I am here with my cohost and lover, Tom together for the past decade, we have been teaching and mentoring couples with the sole purpose of helping us all of us create an experience, what we refer to as love for a lifetime.

 

[00:00:55] Staci Bartley: I mean, after all, that's what we're looking for, right. Something that's going to last, the long haul. We do that in our relationships, both with ourselves and with others using sound principles and skills. So welcome. It's great to be here with you today. 

 

[00:01:08] Tom Bartley: Absolutely. I always appreciate you gifting us some of your most precious resource, which is time.

 

[00:01:14] Tom Bartley: Thank you again for joining us inside the love shack, whether it's live, whether it's on your favorite podcast place, where you download your podcasts, on our YouTube live, Facebook live. It's amazing what technology can do, but no bottom line is thank you. We. I know Tom, you say that every time we have an exciting episode and it's it's I can't...

 

[00:01:33] Tom Bartley: That's all I'm my, my lips are locked. I can't share anything more. 

 

[00:01:37] Staci Bartley: I bet. If we were to go back and listen to all the recordings, we would hear you saying. 

 

[00:01:41] Tom Bartley: Yeah, it's our favorite, favorite day of the week we love. And again, our intention, all kidding aside.

 

[00:01:46] Staci Bartley: So give it away, honey. Come on. 

 

[00:01:48] Tom Bartley: Staci and I are going to be going through a very, very significant and important framework and a brand new resource that we have for free, how to stop a fight in 20 seconds.

 

[00:01:58] Tom Bartley: And that's not being cliche. That is real ladies and gentlemen. So grab your favorite beverage. Take a pause and really dig in with us. And, and, and this is going, this is good stuff, and it's a great week. We're drinking our own coffee. We're right there with you. 

 

[00:02:11] Staci Bartley: We got to share a personal story about our relationship of a fight from not that long ago so that we can look at it, we can dissect it and we can break it down. I like to use examples from Tom and I's relationship, even though we have many clients' stories that sometimes we feed in, I prefer to honor the confidentiality of our clients. And so we use a personal story, every chance that we get so that you can also see that we're also on this journey with you, that we're just humans.

 

[00:02:37] Staci Bartley: And as I jokingly say, not really, to my clients. You know, we do this because we need it more than most. It's a refresher course and a teacher for us again and again and again. And we're constantly trying to feed it through our relationship. 

 

[00:02:49] Tom Bartley: Just let everyone know is all Staci's fault. This flight. We're going to be going through it later.

 

[00:02:54] Staci Bartley: Of course. 

 

[00:02:56] Tom Bartley: Just kidding. 

 

[00:02:57] Staci Bartley: So speaking about fighting, I mean, do you ever feel like all you and your partner doing anymore is just fighting with each other? It probably goes something like this. You go round and round having the same argument and instead of resolving anything. You both just feel really crappy, regretful, and low.

 

[00:03:15] Staci Bartley: It's an amazing thing. When we look at fighting, it doesn't really take us anywhere good. Sure. There are the outliers where all of a sudden something pops out that's needed to be said for a long, long time in a fight. But unfortunately, in order to get that little gem, we have to get through all the stuff that breaks our hearts, that causes us to feel like the relationship doesn't matter, that we don't matter, or that your partner isn't in a place where they can show up for you.

 

[00:03:41] Staci Bartley: I can't tell you how many clients I see individually that say Stace that's never going to work. My partner won't do that. My partner's not capable of that. And I say, well, okay, I understand that you've come to this conclusion, but what do you say we give it a try? And so we come to these conclusions about ourselves, about our partners, about what our relationship is capable of.

 

[00:04:04] Staci Bartley: And unfortunately we live by that, whatever it is, we will adhere to that belief because that's what we do as human beings. A fight is a place where either someone has said something that hurts your feelings, or maybe you've been the one that's said something that's hurt somebody else's feelings and the eventual aftermath of any fight.

 

[00:04:26] Staci Bartley: If we look at it is regret because it's all, almost like the regret is more painful than the fight that was happening or taking place itself. And have you ever felt like roller-coaster ride is happening? Like you get on to a conversation and out of nowhere, all of a sudden you're on this roller coaster of a fight and you don't know where it's going to end or where it's going to take you, but you don't feel like there's anything you can do about it.

 

[00:04:51] Staci Bartley: That's really indicative of a fight as well. So today in the love shack, Tom and I are going to share this personal story. We're going to dissect it down so that you can understand that there is actually a progression of a fight. And then we're going to show you how absolutely you can stop it in 20 seconds or less.

 

[00:05:09] Staci Bartley: So stay with us. We'll be right back.

 

[00:05:18] Announcer: Here's what one of Staci Bartley's client says about working with her. "Working with Staci has been life-changing in a very magical way. I wanted to work with Staci when I left the long-term marriage because I didn't want to repeat any of my relationships. How would you say unhealthiness? I'm so amazed how she has taken her experience and wrapped it into her own program, a program that is designed especially for you, for anyone that moves forward with her, she's unique, she's profound. She's, she's magical. She has a love for others that is unmatched and it would be a gift to yourself to work with Staci." Learn the simple three-step system to rescue your struggling relationship by registering for Staci's brand new free workshop. Reserve your seat by going to stacibartley.com/workshop.

 

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[00:07:21] Announcer: The years. Good for the soul alternative talk 1150.

 

[00:07:32] Tom Bartley: Welcome back everybody, Tom and Staci Bartley. We are your hosts of love shack live. Thanks for spending some time inside the love shack today for a very, very significant conversation. How to stop a fight in 20 seconds or less. It's real, honestly, it's real. I promise you, by the end of this episode, you're going to know it's simple.

 

[00:07:51] Tom Bartley: Not necessarily, always easy, especially when we start. It's not hard. These are not complicated processes or words. We say many times it's simply the sequence in which we say them is the dramatic difference. 

 

[00:08:04] Staci Bartley: And it doesn't start with, Hey, we need to talk. That's not a great setup, right? That's going to almost ensure that you're going to absolutely hit a wall defensiveness.

 

[00:08:14] Staci Bartley: So what do we do before we start to come back to the solution? Let's talk about what a fight is and the progression of a fight. It's important for us to understand that because it's only then that we can start working and understanding of fight. Otherwise, we feel like we're kind of jumping on that roller coaster ride, and we have no idea where it's going to take us and we have no idea how to get off.

 

[00:08:33] Staci Bartley: Right. Have you ever had that feeling as you jump onto a rollercoaster ride? You're kind of a little nervous. You're like, okay. I'm not quite sure what the experience is going to be like here. And then in the middle of the ride, you had no idea. You have, you can't, you can't get off. So you just have to let go and let it take you wherever it is you want to go.

 

[00:08:50] Staci Bartley: That's kind of how we feel about fighting. Isn't it like that? Like once we get on that ride and once it starts taking on progression, we have no idea what to do and how to aboard it. And then we just get the leftover result, which is never good. Let's just think about that for a minute. Has a fight ever given you an epiphany like: 

 

[00:09:09] Staci Bartley: Ah, okay. I understand now I get it. 

 

[00:09:14] Tom Bartley: We're not disregarding that maybe that immediate dopamine hit that you get for, you know, maybe how you sense, you know, I showed him or I showed her, and again, please understand, don't go anywhere. We're not advocating, going to teach you how to be, you know, a doormat that is not at all what we are talking about.

 

[00:09:32] Tom Bartley: There are simply more effective ways to navigate this. 

 

[00:09:35] Staci Bartley: Mhm. And you don't have to just wait until the end of the rollercoaster ride and then try and clean up the aftermath where everybody feels regret. Regretful because of the things we said, the way we showed up, the things that we did in the heat of the moment, reacting to whatever was going on.

 

[00:09:51] Staci Bartley: Everybody feels crappy at the end of it. And nothing was really ever resolved. And so then we make it up that, okay, we can't talk about that. We can't go there. That was horrible. We're never going to do that again. And so all of a sudden we create these emotional prisons or places in conversation that we can't go because they always, the minute they come up, take us to the same old place that we don't want to visit.

 

[00:10:11] Staci Bartley: And so I want you to understand the progression of a fight today, but we're going to do it through our own story. We promised in the beginning that we were going to share a story of something that happened for us recently. So A:, you know, we're human beings and in our relationship, we struggle with the same things that we teach.

 

[00:10:25] Staci Bartley: The difference is we can just get through it quickly because of the skills and the tools that we have mastered and practiced thousands of times. 

 

[00:10:34] Tom Bartley: And I would bet we're going to continue to practice thousands of times. 

 

[00:10:38] Staci Bartley: Why? Because we're different human beings and we make messes. We're mess-making machines.

 

[00:10:42] Staci Bartley: It's not about not making a mess. It's about knowing how to clean them up. So here's the layout. We have a wonderful tradition where when our grandchildren have a birthday, we invite them to come up and have what we call a sleepover. They actually sleepover at our house. We usually do an activity of their choice and go to a restaurant of their choice.

 

[00:11:06] Staci Bartley: And it's an opportunity for us to spend one-on-one time with our grandchildren. And it's really a time that we generally look forward to. Except for this particular time where we had a granddaughter sleeping over unbeknownst to me, and this is important. We'll highlight this on the progression. Unbeknownst to me, Tom was not feeling it.

 

[00:11:27] Staci Bartley: Tom was not really feeling the party. And later it comes, he looked like he was, he was playing along like he was. And that everything was fine. And so of course, as tradition has it, the granddaughter's going to choose the restaurant and we're going to schedule a time, she and I spend the day together while Tom is doing what he does best, work.

 

[00:11:50] Staci Bartley: Just in the spirit of full disclosure. Is that okay, babe, if I disclose the fact that you're kind of a workaholic? Yes. Okay. Okay. Good. Good. Okay. So Tom's very much a workaholic. Anything you want to add? 

 

[00:12:02] Tom Bartley: Very intense ladies and gentlemen. Okay. Let's be adult-like and get things handled. No, I mean, I am blessed and grateful outside, outside in addition to supporting our wonderful body of work.

 

[00:12:13] Tom Bartley: I'm blessed and grateful to have been a, a very, a successful real estate appraiser for 20 gosh, almost 25 years now here in the greater Sacramento area. It's a lot of pressure, a lot of deadlines, very intense. 

 

[00:12:25] Staci Bartley: So our granddaughter and I spent the entire day together, her and I, which was glorious while Tom had the agreement and the commitment that he was going to work for the day.

 

[00:12:34] Staci Bartley: And then he was going to meet us downtown our little town for the restaurant of Sehri's choice. So the time comes and Sehri and I are at the restaurant and there have been several communications via text. And even when we left the house about, are you coming? Oh, you coming? Yeah. Yeah. I've just got this one thing.

 

[00:12:53] Tom Bartley: 30 minutes. 30 minutes. 30 minutes. 

 

[00:12:54] Staci Bartley: Well, just give me another minute. I'll be right there. I'll be right there. I'll be right there. And so Sehri and I go ahead of him and we're sitting down at the little restaurant and even order him a beer. Right. And he's, I'm now texting him. Are you coming? Are you coming? Are you coming?

 

[00:13:09] Staci Bartley: Are you coming? And then there was this moment in the texting where I realized he wasn't coming. Not because he didn't say he wasn't coming, but I just realized he was going to play this out. Like he wasn't coming. He wasn't going to show up. And it was the having to tell my granddaughter that grandpa's not coming.

 

[00:13:28] Staci Bartley: That was the tough part for me. And that was the part that really incited the emotional, like the upset inside of me. Like, man. Okay. This isn't okay. 'cause then my granddaughter goes places. Like, why aren't I, as important as work? Why aren't I as important to, you know, he made it for so-and-so and so-and-so, and so-and-so's birthday, right.

 

[00:13:49] Staci Bartley: What about me? And we know that we go to those places as human beings. Right? And so that's where my heart started to go, which only fired me up about Tom. And thinking, how could you do this right after all we do and love of our family and contribution, and this was planned and it was laid out and, and you knew, and I tried to be as, you know, accommodating as possible.

 

[00:14:12] Staci Bartley: You didn't make it. And, and by the way, this is a new thing for us. I had never not had Tom make it to a party, to a gathering, to dinner, to anything that he had committed to do. And so this for me and my experience personally, was a whole new level of like, what's going on. So needless to say my granddaughter and I completed dinner and I tried to hahaha as we do play it off like it's okay.

 

[00:14:37] Staci Bartley: And she's loved and she's appreciated. 

 

[00:14:39] Tom Bartley: No, I did. I made it down there, but it was, it was after you guys had long finished your dinner. Oh, okay. Yeah, it was, it was quite delayed. (Laughing) 

 

[00:14:48] Staci Bartley: And at this point in time, I was unhappy. I was very unhappy. And so we weren't going to handle this in front of her. Right. We were trying to do our best.

 

[00:14:57] Staci Bartley: I was trying to do my best. I'll speak for this personally, to handle my upset with us. You know, adult-like, I guess we try. And we had the sleepover and it wasn't until the next day when our granddaughter was taken home. And I remember very much, you chime in here too, babe. I remember folding clothes and he was, we weren't talking. There wasn't a whole lot said we'd kind of like, just let it simmer for a minute. 

 

[00:15:22] Tom Bartley: And actually we had more family coming over that night as well, which was also very much pre-planned. It's just, I will just say both of these were very, very pre-planned. So there was no suddenness of like this engagement, if you will, this, the scheduled time with family, what we had, you know, my brother and her, his partner coming over again, long time scheduled.

 

[00:15:41] Tom Bartley: That next night. And this is not a lot of time, not a lot of time to recover. 

 

[00:15:45] Staci Bartley: We have a big family, so, and we'd love to interact with our family. So this happens quite frequently. This isn't something that's odd either. So I remember I was folding clothes and it just happens to be in the same space that Tom is at his desk working.

 

[00:15:58] Staci Bartley: And I noticed that the more I saw him working, the more fired up I got, because I'm, I'm angry that work seems to sometimes trump things that I feel are more important, right? Like our family, like relationships, like communication, those kinds of things. And now, as you guys know, I mean, Tom's a very engaging, wonderful guy.

 

[00:16:17] Staci Bartley: If you can peel him away from work. And at this point in time, I still hadn't said anything. I'm still trying to figure out how to show up, say what I need to say. And I can't take it anymore. I'm to the point where I'm like, as we talk about being I'm at my max. I can't take in any more thoughts or difficult emotions.

 

[00:16:38] Staci Bartley: I can't stand him standing on my emotional toe any longer without saying something. And because I had waited so long, I got teary, I started to cry and I said, what happened last night is not okay. That, that is so hard for me to wrap my head around. Right. And Tom. Immediately stopped what he was doing and, and turned and faced me and said, tell me, what's going on. Now, we'll go back and we'll point out some key places here, but that was one, I'm just going to put a little arrow right there and he just let me share what was on my heart and what was hard and what was difficult and what hurt my feelings and where I was at and what was playing out in our body of work.

 

[00:17:18] Staci Bartley: What we call our movie. There was a place I was living and I had connected some dots and I was hurt because of several things. And he immediately stopped doing what he was doing because he could tell I was really upset and he just turned and faced me. And let me say so. And by saying, so of course, then he had a lot of emotions about what was being said, and he felt misunderstood and unappreciated.

 

[00:17:41] Staci Bartley: He felt like I didn't understand where he was coming from as well. And that was true. And so thankfully, because we have skills and we've practiced these things, I was able to give him the opportunity to talk about why this has happened. And, and then there was this wonderful moment where we cleaned up a mess.

 

[00:18:04] Staci Bartley: You take it from there.

 

[00:18:05] Tom Bartley: Oh yeah. I would say, you know, 15, 20 minutes. And again, we had a, an, a, a timeline again, because, you know, we try to be respectful of everybody's time because it is our most precious resource. I always open the show with that and it's true. That's the only thing that we don't have any, you know, it's a finite resource, at least in this incarnation or whatever our belief system is.

 

[00:18:23] Tom Bartley: But so we had other people and even Staci had mentioned, maybe we need to, to, to, to tell them it's not going to work out. I said, no, I, I. I don't think that would serve any of us. I think we can get through this. And so now, I mean, when I could tell that Staci was very upset as she shared. So again, the greatest gift that any of us can give anyone, in my opinion, is our time.

 

[00:18:45] Tom Bartley: Our true attention, excuse me, is really it. You know, our presence is a present that is not cliche. Think about it. Cause it's. I think how often we don't feel like we're heard acknowledged and appreciated. So I could tell that this was real, and I was, I was a hot mess anyway myself. So I, again, I, I stopped what I was doing, that the greatest thing any of us can do is look someone in the eye, put our device down, and truly give someone our attention and presence.

 

[00:19:12] Tom Bartley: Right there will change the game. And, yeah, so we both, because again, we, we do drink our own coffee. We've developed these practices and frameworks for ourselves first, and then we teach and mentor our clients. We each gave ourselves the opportunity and permission and safety to share from our hearts without judgment, without interruption.

 

[00:19:32] Tom Bartley: And we discovered a lot of things about both of us and what like Staci and share what was going on in our movies. And I was just a hot mess and I take on a lot of responsibility and yes, I'm very intense. Work-wise I come from a family of great responsibility and loyalty and integrity. And again, there's balance in everything, and just was trying to dig ourselves out of some situations that I just, you know, we all have these perfect convergences, I guess the Gus, we like to say Gus God universe and spirit provides us to master a lessons and.

 

[00:20:03] Tom Bartley: There we go. And it just, it converged at the inopportune time. 

 

[00:20:07] Staci Bartley: Well, and help people understand where you were. So I've, I've shared where I was at. Right. I've shared it with me. So where were you? 

 

[00:20:16] Tom Bartley: Looking back is I, I just should have said, babe, you know what, I just don't have it in me. 

 

[00:20:21] Staci Bartley: What was the conflict that was happening inside?

 

[00:20:23] Tom Bartley: Well, I was torn because I wanted to continue doing what I was doing. You know, when you're, when you're writing an appraisal, it's a very, very technical analysis and reports and there's so much time intensity. So I really just wanted to get it off to get that one off my plate rather than stop and interrupt.

 

[00:20:37] Tom Bartley: And, yet I was torn because again, I have great love and appreciation and gratitude for our family. And so I've made a commitment. I take those very seriously to our granddaughter. And so I was really torn, but I just didn't have the emotional bandwidth to do them both. And I just really should've said, baby, know what?

 

[00:20:53] Tom Bartley: I don't have it in me, can you please, you and our granddaughter just go on your own. And I'm just gonna, you know when you come back. I'll be ready to then participate, but I'm not going to be able to make the dinner. 

 

[00:21:02] Staci Bartley: Yeah. So did you, when you were pushing it back into the 30 minutes, another 30 minutes, another 30 minutes, did you really think that you were going to miss it? 

 

[00:21:09] Tom Bartley: You know, I mean, it's it, you know, in all fairness, I don't, you know how it is sometimes when you're in the throws of these appraisal analysis that you don't exactly know what you're undertaking and it's just, excuse me, you're in the weeds and we're going to go through this acronym. .

 

[00:21:25] Staci Bartley: But, but what point in time did you realize you weren't going to make it? 

 

[00:21:29] Tom Bartley: Or make it very late? Probably with the first or second text. Yeah. You know, but again, because I'm, didn't want to disappoint you and our granddaughter, you know. 

 

[00:21:37] Staci Bartley: That's key. I really wanted to help you kind of disclose that because that's the key.

 

[00:21:41] Staci Bartley: We don't want to disappoint the people that we feel are relying on us. And so we know that we're not going to make it, but we keep saying that we're going to, and it's not malicious, which is how it felt for the person sitting down there at the restaurant table. It feels malicious because we're like, come on, man.

 

[00:21:58] Staci Bartley: We had an agreement, we had a time, I don't know how much more I can like prep you or help you or support you. And you keep telling me you're coming. And then you don't and then you don't and then you don't and then you don't and then it's done. And then it's over. And like I said, there's that moment where I'm like, you're not gonna make it.

 

[00:22:12] Tom Bartley: And it would have been just so much easier and simpler and cleaner, and about 1/10 of the emotional, you know, unrest. If I would have just come clean and followed my intuition and come clean as a babe, it's just, it's just not there even though I had already agreed on, you know, again, these are.

 

[00:22:31] Tom Bartley: Boundaries and things are that we use the garage door analogy, you know what I mean? You know, they're, they're malleable that they move, you know, and, but the importance is disclosure and sharing when they do move. 

 

[00:22:43] Staci Bartley: So I want to give you the progression of the fight and I, I'm going to go back to our story again and again and again, so that you can see the progression of the fight.

 

[00:22:51] Staci Bartley: We can actually point it out and you have something to kind of hopefully take away and see in your own life, these progressions because fights don't just come out of somewhere. They don't and unfortunately fights happen because we don't disclose where we're at, or we don't know how to stop them or both because they all of a sudden pick up intensity and we don't know what to do then, but just get on board or try and get the heck out of that.

 

[00:23:16] Tom Bartley: And again, excuse me, we're talking about things, ladies and gentlemen that are happening in nanoseconds emotionally. So it's very fast. It's very furious and it's very scary. So we're going to do everything we can to impart and encourage you and share with you how you can slow this process down.

 

[00:23:35] Staci Bartley: It's important that we slow down. The more we start spinning up, the more we need to slow down. 

 

[00:23:39] Tom Bartley: Staci will say, honey, are you reeling? R E E L I N G reeling. Yes, I am. Really. 

 

[00:23:47] Staci Bartley: And it's time to slow down and take a breath. Right. Which is very counter-intuitive to what we think we need to do. We think if we speed up, we're going to be able to get ahead of it.

 

[00:23:55] Staci Bartley: We're going to be able to figure it out, right? If we just say this one more thing, this one more word, throw out this one more piece of evidence we're going to get ahead of it. And somebody is going to go. Aha. I see the light. You make so much sense. Thank you for that. 

 

[00:24:09] Tom Bartley: That's never been my experience. 

 

[00:24:11] Staci Bartley: Or mine either. And I don't think it's everybody anybody's else.

 

[00:24:14] Tom Bartley: If you really can be true and honest with yourself. 

 

[00:24:16] Staci Bartley: So the first step of a progression of a fight is something happens. I like to say people step on your emotional toe and it hurts. And you're aware that there's something that hurts and you're not so sure. Maybe even in that moment, why it hurts, you just know.

 

[00:24:32] Staci Bartley: And the first thing that happens when something fires off like that is I withdraw. Okay. We're going to go through a weeds acronym.

 

[00:24:40] Tom Bartley: W E E D S. And the first letter is w for withdraw. 

 

[00:24:46] Staci Bartley: And we're going to pull back whether that's physically pulling back or emotionally pulling back. So the minute Tom said he needed 30 minutes as we were heading out to the restaurant, I, I can look back and see in that.

 

[00:25:02] Staci Bartley: I emotionally pulled back. I left the house saying, okay, you better make it. Which probably made him feel like even more so he couldn't disclose the fact that he was probably not going to make it.

 

[00:25:13] Tom Bartley: Oh the pressure intensified, unbelievable with every, with every five minutes. I mean, we're talking about a 10 X. 

 

[00:25:21] Staci Bartley: Very well said.

 

[00:25:21] Staci Bartley: That's is so true. So I left looking at him like, like this. 

 

[00:25:27] Tom Bartley: Not really the look that I often Revere about my lovely wife and partner. That's not a good one. 

 

[00:25:33] Staci Bartley: So I immediately, not only me, but him are pulling back. We're withdrawing. It's like, okay, we're not disclosing. We're pulling within, we're cutting ourselves off.

 

[00:25:44] Staci Bartley: And there's a, an emotional withdrawal there, right. It wasn't a, "okay I look forward to seeing in a minute. Okay. All right. I'm excited. This is going to be great." It was a, "you better show. Okay." That was my emotional withdrawal. And his too, he looked at me and I could tell that as we walked out of the door, he was really grateful we were gone. (Laughing ) So that's withdraw. That's how we're into progression. I'm sitting down there at the restaurant with my granddaughter and I'm texting him 10 minutes has gone by. Where are you? Thought you were going to be right behind us. And now he's turned to buy some, he's wanting to buy some time. Things are going to now progress to the E of weeds, tell them what it is.

 

[00:26:26] Tom Bartley: The first E is escalate. 

 

[00:26:28] Staci Bartley: Things start to escalate inside of yourself. Like, Mmmmm . I swear. I'm sitting down there thinking, oh, 

 

[00:26:35] Tom Bartley: If she texts me one more time I'm going to cancel her cell phone. 

 

[00:26:39] Staci Bartley: If he doesn't make it. I swear. I'm going to be so upset. Like, and then you're trying to do the flip side of that, which is kind of talk yourself down.

 

[00:26:48] Staci Bartley: Right. It's going to be okay. Right. I'm going to order a beer for him. He's telling me he's coming. He's never not shown up. It's going to be okay. Just take a breath. 

 

[00:26:57] Tom Bartley: And why is it invariably, when you're under that kind of pressure, nothing is going right. It's just like, you know, you speed up the passenger car and you get in front of them and then you reach the red light and you just like the cars right behind you.

 

[00:27:09] Staci Bartley: And it has a fascination, as things start to escalate, other things start to go awry. 

 

[00:27:13] Tom Bartley: I mean, Gus, you know, God universe, spirit, we always say has an incredible sense of humor. 

 

[00:27:18] Staci Bartley: And this escalation happens within us as we get more and more plugged in, it can also happen within our communication, right?

 

[00:27:25] Staci Bartley: If we're communicating and Tom and I weren't at this point in time, but if by chance we were the voices go up. The words and the intensity goes up and everybody can feel it. It's like an ether in the air where, okay, this is picking up speed. Here we go. And this is about the time and the rollercoaster ride.

 

[00:27:42] Staci Bartley: We go, oh, keep your arms and hands inside the cart. I have no idea where this is going to take us. All I know is I'm on board because I have a lot to say, I have a lot of emotion. I'm not quite sure what it is, but man, I can tell you I'm getting plugged in. So let's go. Let's. Okay. And all of us will try and stay engaged in this moment.

 

[00:28:03] Staci Bartley: I say all. 99.9% of us will right. But we try and stay engaged. 

 

[00:28:08] Tom Bartley: And quite frankly, we don't, well, we don't know what else to do. 

 

[00:28:11] Staci Bartley: We don't know what else to do. 

 

[00:28:12] Staci Bartley: And then we get to the second E in WEEDS. And the second E and weeds is a fascinating place. 

 

[00:28:18] Tom Bartley: That is expose and/ or explain. 

 

[00:28:21] Staci Bartley: This is where I try and expose your weaknesses.

 

[00:28:24] Staci Bartley: This might be where I start pulling out some, some communication that sounds a lot like, come on, you did this last time. Let's not do it again, right. Hey, we all know that this is a thing for you. 

 

[00:28:36] Tom Bartley: We've talked about this many times. 

 

[00:28:40] Staci Bartley: Get your Fanny down here. Let's go. Pull yourself away from the screen would be my communication to him.

 

[00:28:46] Staci Bartley: And what would be his communication, babe? What would be your communication? 

 

[00:28:50] Tom Bartley: You don't understand all the pressure I have. Please give me a few more moments for the love of God. 

 

[00:28:57] Staci Bartley: Yeah. And then we try and start explaining our with our evidence. This is where we bring in evidence. We love our evidence and I want you to understand what evidence we can support anything.

 

[00:29:08] Staci Bartley: Any belief or emotion that I'm feeling I can provide evidence for. It's very important that we understand this. 

 

[00:29:15] Tom Bartley: Would that be in the technical, the the psychological science geek? Would that be confirmation bias? 

 

[00:29:21] Staci Bartley: Absolutely. 

 

[00:29:22] Tom Bartley: One point for Tom.

 

[00:29:23] Staci Bartley: Look at you go! 

 

[00:29:23] Tom Bartley: Yeah, no kidding aside.

 

[00:29:24] Tom Bartley: Yes, we can. You can. I mean, come on. All of us, we can, you can, you can find evidence for whatever the mind and the brain are looking for. 

 

[00:29:32] Staci Bartley: So my evidence is obviously I'm sitting down here in real-time. You've promised to be here and you're not here. And you've said, you're coming three times now, and you're still not here.

 

[00:29:41] Staci Bartley: And your beer is getting cold. And at this point in time, I'm starting to flip a lid. So to speak, turn into a very hot mess. And where are you? 

 

[00:29:49] Tom Bartley: I would say. Yeah. Or you just, again, you don't understand, you live kind of in, we've been accused of, living in Disneyland sometimes and you know but no, you babe, believe me, I've run into some unexpected problems, please.

 

[00:30:01] Tom Bartley: I'll get through this. Just give me another 10, another 10, and another 10. Where again, I should, again, we always have opportunities to come clean whenever we want. You don't ever lose that ability. It may not be as clean as the first time. You should, you could have asked, but. That would have really been the best remedy.

 

[00:30:17] Tom Bartley: And, but I, I, I was just literally torn emotionally between, you know, what I had committed to and where I was at. It just, you know, I've not evolved enough to be at two places at one time. 

 

[00:30:29] Staci Bartley: So after they expose and explain, we get into the demand phase.

 

[00:30:33] Tom Bartley: That's d for the WEEDS is demanding. 

 

[00:30:37] Staci Bartley: Wait a minute before we move into demand.

 

[00:30:39] Staci Bartley: There's one thing I want to say about expose. Expose could also be the place where I'm playing the victim. Oh, you always accuse me of this. Oh, here we're going to go again. I could play the victim and expose. Because as I'm exposing things about myself, I'm exposing things about you, your weaknesses, how you do things.

 

[00:30:55] Staci Bartley: The thousands and myriads of times where I've asked you to do it differently and you didn't, or I'm exposing. I know I'm just, that's just who I am. I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do about it. You know, I might play the victim and expose my own weaknesses in order to stop this freight train or get you to feel sorry for me.

 

[00:31:14] Tom Bartley: Could you also take on like, you know, it's obvious you don't care about me and the granddaughter, I'm not as important as your work.

 

[00:31:21] Staci Bartley: Yep. Absolutely. That would be exposing your weaknesses and mine by playing the victim. And then explaining is throwing out all my evidence and even the neighbor and my mother said, and my friends said, and Staci and Tom said, and we bring in anything and everything we got to kind of explain why it is I'm right in feeling the way that I do and you're wrong. Okay. And then it gets to the demand phase and the demand phase sounds a lot like, oh yeah. Well, then I'm gonna, oh yeah. Okay. Well then that means you want to go there. You want to rumble or it could be, you better get your Fanny down here, like right now, or else. Demand is the, or else part.

 

[00:32:05] Staci Bartley: This is where we try and really leverage, like we've lost it and it better be this, or else. 

 

[00:32:12] Tom Bartley: Said another way is like, we're, we're like we think punishing, you know, this person punishing the pain and, Joe Polish is a man I have great respect for, it's like none of us can punish the pain out of anybody. Because I can tell you, ladies and gentlemen, I was feeling horrible right now.

 

[00:32:26] Tom Bartley: So there was nothing that Staci could have shared with me if he chose to go to the demand route. That would have made me even close to, however,, I was feeling like nowhere, nothing good. Like, man, what, what the heck? You are a hot mess and you have over-committed and you better right this ship fast, the best you can.

 

[00:32:44] Staci Bartley: And if leverages you like that, right. You, you know, now as we're disclosing where we were each at emotionally, thankfully we didn't leverage. This is where the progression stopped for both of us. Okay, but had it done so, because I have not known better done this many times in my life, gotten to the demand stage.

 

[00:33:04] Staci Bartley: It's this or else this or else means that you're going to do this or else I'm going to punish you. I'm going to create a consequence. And we use things like sex, intimacy, communication. This is where we say, I can't talk to you for three days because you won't do this. You want to apologize. You won't show up.

 

[00:33:25] Staci Bartley: And so we're in these places where we're in the demand phase. And I'm wanting you to do something before I will engage with you, tell you how I feel. Give you sex. 

 

[00:33:36] Tom Bartley: How about maybe if maybe a special something was planned, the day or two later or the next weekend? If you don't get down here next week, we're off. Next week's getaway weekend. We've heard of that too is off. Like, well, okay. I mean, so yeah, we can get really creative man and we can increase the the pressure on the demand side. Pretty, pretty creatively. I would say all of us are pretty darn good in that regard. 

 

[00:33:59] Staci Bartley: And just think about, we've all been leveraged like this.

 

[00:34:01] Staci Bartley: So where do you go in the demand phase? This is about the point we think. Screw you. Go with your bad self. I'm done. This is about the time we start tapping out. And this is where I also might say things I regret later, I'm going to, I'm going to come at you. Oh, you're going to go there. Okay. Now I'm really gonna let you have it.

 

[00:34:20] Tom Bartley: In the gambling world they would say all bets are off.

 

[00:34:23] Tom Bartley: All bets are off everything's on the table, baby. 

 

[00:34:27] Staci Bartley: You're going to leverage me like that. Well I'm going to leverage you like this, right? And this is where things go really awry. And there'll be a point in time where hopefully it doesn't get physical. Right. But sometimes it does.

 

[00:34:42] Staci Bartley: Hopefully it won't get to a place where it's completely destructive emotionally. This is, this is where I might throw out some really awful things about things in our past, or maybe you've exposed some vulnerabilities to me. And then I use them as weapons. This is also where I might disclose things that I've always felt that I've always wanted to say.

 

[00:35:01] Staci Bartley: But it's, it's done in a very weaponized way. I never did like you, I never did think that this was going to work. I always knew that you were some. Those kinds of things start tumbling out in this demand phase, which leaves us with the S. And the s always shame. We feel it. This is the regret, the regret and the aftermath sets in. Shame is the end result of us working through the weeds acronym, we are truly in the weeds. We are out in a place where we don't want to be, and we're all left with the culmination of shame because of how we've shown up. That's totally counter to what it is we want who we want to be. And we've said some things that we don't really mean we didn't really want to say, or we needed to say them, but not in that way.

 

[00:35:45] Staci Bartley: I weaponized some things that I wanted to say, and I know I could have said them better. I think I didn't quite know how, but I should have not said them like that.

 

[00:35:52] Tom Bartley: I would say that you know, that aftermath then the next morning or, you know, a few hours, we've all, said some things perhaps behaved in ways like, Ooh, Gosh, I could have done a better job with that.

 

[00:36:04] Tom Bartley: I mean, that's just part of life, you know? So again, it's never too late to get out of the weeds. It's obviously the quicker that we can identify we are in the weeds and start at the W you know, rather than we get to the S. 

 

[00:36:16] Staci Bartley: So in our scenario, in our story, Tom and I made it to the expose/ explain. So we withdrew, things escalated.

 

[00:36:24] Staci Bartley: I was trying to say, Hey, come on, don't do this. You better get down here, like right now. We're waiting. We're waiting. Do you want us to order you a beer? And I thought by ordering you a beer, babe, honestly, that would be the bait that I needed to get you down there. 

 

[00:36:37] Tom Bartley: And that's a good one, you know, hot summer night on a, on a Friday with a cold beer is great, that was great. 

 

[00:36:43] Staci Bartley: And at that point in time, I stopped, which is in this progression.

 

[00:36:46] Staci Bartley: We're going to go through it again, but the goal in understanding this progression is that, as soon as possible, you stop it. Because if we don't, it's always going to take us to the same place. It's going to take us to shame, which then backhoes, the safety, the connection, the love, the wonderful stuff, the joy that we have in our relationships.

 

[00:37:08] Staci Bartley: It literally like backhoes, all of the safety and permission out of it. Little by little, scoop by scoop until pretty soon you don't have the safety to disclose anything anymore. And so you see couples that have been together for a long time, who really are living separate lives. This is how it happens piece by piece.

 

[00:37:26] Staci Bartley: It's not... 

 

[00:37:27] Tom Bartley: Yeah, I was just going to say, well, you know, like here in the Smith family. Oh no, well we, oh, we don't talk about that all. No, we, we don't talk about. Definitely. No, we'll talk about that. We'll think. Well, what do you guys talk about? It's very, very surface level. So you have, as Staci had shared, you're just actually, you're, you're doing exactly the opposite of what's needed, you know, as the longer that partners are together, guess what the requirements for sharing go up as well.

 

[00:37:49] Tom Bartley: And it's usually the inverse of that. So, you know, you've got to understand. 

 

[00:37:53] Staci Bartley: So, WEEDS. Let's go through it. Yes. You withdraw the first thing emotionally and physically we go within. We pull away. We pull out. 

 

[00:38:01] Tom Bartley: I mean, that's my classic, I'm, I'm a, as soon as things are, I clam up, like, you know, quick, you know, I'm not as talkative as my wonderful wife anyway, so that's not a good program.

 

[00:38:10] Tom Bartley: You know. 

 

[00:38:11] Staci Bartley: Tom goes, really quiet and then we go, Hmm, something's in the air. 

 

[00:38:14] Tom Bartley: And Staci's like a detective. She will hunt you down. 

 

[00:38:17] Staci Bartley: Then things escalate. If things don't get resolved at withdraw. I would say if, and I don't want to put words in your mouth babe, but I would say not to brag. It's not about bragging. It's about practice.

 

[00:38:28] Staci Bartley: I would say nine times out of 10, we resolve our conflicts right there. Minute somebody starts to withdraw. We're like, okay, que pasa what's up. I don't understand where you're at and why you're behaving this way or vice versa. Let's address it right now. And that's the key. The folly is we wait too long to disclose what's not working.

 

[00:38:47] Staci Bartley: The fact that you're standing on my emotional toe and we wait and we wait because we don't want to be a problem. We don't want to create conflicts. We don't want to create fights. And then we wait until the moment where I'm literally losing it. Like, I can't allow you to hurt my feelings like this anymore.

 

[00:39:02] Staci Bartley: And that means that we've gone through withdraw, escalate, or into expose probably. And now I'm going to get demanding and then we're going to be left with that beautiful crescendo of shame. Jokingly hahaha. So withdraw and then it escalates. And then we begin to expose our weaknesses, expose their weaknesses, right?

 

[00:39:23] Staci Bartley: Use it against them, or bring in my plethora of evidence and explain why it is that I'm entitled to feel the way I feel. And you should acquiesce and disagree with me. I'm wanting to also feel heard here. And if that doesn't go well, then I'm going to get to the point where I'm leveraging. And unfortunately, we go there because we don't know what else to do.

 

[00:39:41] Staci Bartley: And this is fortunately for Tom and I, we stopped it at, at expose and explain, and we were able to clean up the mess. We get into demand. Then, we are left with the culmination of shame. And so in understanding this progression of a fight, what I hope for you as our listener is number one right now, take a look at how this plays out in your own life.

 

[00:40:01] Staci Bartley: Look at your last fight. Did you notice yourself or your partner withdrawing? Did you notice the escalation? Did you notice how you started to expose or explain things? And then did you get to a place where it was demanding? It's okay if you did. Most of us do because we don't know better. And then were you left with that crescendo shame?

 

[00:40:19] Staci Bartley: Probably so. So the first thing is just to get familiar with fights that don't come out of anywhere. Or Nowhere. They are a progression. And the goal is with this framework is to stop the fights as quickly as possible. And you're going to, probably at first, when you start working with this, you're going to be all the way into expose and explain, or maybe even demand before you go, oh my gosh, we're doing it.

 

[00:40:42] Staci Bartley: It's happening like right now. And that's okay. Because anywhere you can catch it is better than not catching it at all and taking the freight train all the way to the end. 

 

[00:40:53] Tom Bartley: The first place we all have to realize is to understand where we're at. That's huge, don't underestimate how powerful that is.

 

[00:41:00] Tom Bartley: That is a great place of, of the first awareness, because otherwise, we're just going to continue doing what we've always done. So you have to understand, oh my gosh, I'm on demand. And I'm really close to shame. Beautiful. I mean, again, not to dismiss what you're going through, but we first have to understand where we're at and then what do we do?

 

[00:41:16] Tom Bartley: Immediately, what we do is we pause. 

 

[00:41:19] Staci Bartley: Now we're going to give you the remedy, regardless of where you find yourself in this progression. It's important that the way to stop it is to slow down, to pause. And it's so hard. It sounds so easy. If I can say it to you in one sentence, but the emotional experience of it, is so painful.

 

[00:41:37] Staci Bartley: Like, because you think that, that one more word, that one more piece of evidence, that one more comment, that, that leveraging thing that I'm going to use against you is going to work and you're going to finally see the light. No, it doesn't work like that. Has it ever worked? Just, just ask yourself, has it ever worked?

 

[00:41:52] Staci Bartley: No. And it probably never will. So it's best we don't go there and stop it, just pause. And what I want you to do in status. If we can pause it sooner rather than later. We can step in to actually serving up the remedy, which is the ability to end a fight in 20 seconds or less. How we end it in 20 seconds or less is we invite you to not only pause, but to step into a framework we call fairy dust. Now fairy dust is very tried and true psychological principles. I didn't make this up, but at the end of every fight, I want you to also evaluate right now, what were you looking for at the end of the day, regardless of the words that were coming out of your mouth? You were probably looking for, being heard, just understand where I'm coming from.

 

[00:42:37] Staci Bartley: Tom mentioned that in our story, you don't understand I'm pulled. The pressure is not going to help me solve my problem. I just don't think you relate to where I'm at. And I could say the same thing. You just don't get where I'm at. You don't understand how difficult that is. I can't believe you would drive me to this place.

 

[00:42:54] Staci Bartley: This is your fault. No, it's not your fault. It's an experience I'm having. And we need to come to a place where we understand it. So we all fight to be heard. We all fight to be appreciated because lets be honest. Relationships take a lot of work. I'm putting in my best efforts, I'm doing everything I got.

 

[00:43:12] Staci Bartley: Right. And I don't feel like you're seeing that or appreciate that. And the last one is. If I don't get heard or I don't get appreciation. Does any of this even matter, do I matter to you? Does this relationship matter? Does anybody care? And those three things, if not all three or one of the three are not at the end of the day met, we are fighting for those things, regardless of what the circumstance is that we're now battling.

 

[00:43:39] Staci Bartley: And it's important that if we know that, then we can throw that out. We can go there immediately. So when we came home and Tom and I resolve this, it helped me understand why you didn't show up. And as I had said to you, Tom allowed me the space and permission to feel heard. And I gave that gift back to him.

 

[00:43:57] Staci Bartley: That's important 

 

[00:43:59] Staci Bartley: After we had paused. 

 

[00:44:00] Tom Bartley: Right. So, you know what. That's how a fight can be stopped in 20 seconds. You take that pause. You bring in some oxygen, take some deep breaths, and then you sprinkle fairy dust. And we have an incredible free resource that is on the back of it. Again, these are not complicated words, ladies and gentlemen, they're simply the sequence.

 

[00:44:18] Tom Bartley: We're going to show you the download and the free resource. What we typically say and how we coach and encourage you and mentor you to say something different. And these are not complicated words. It's simply the sequence in which you share them will literally stop that fight dead in its tracks. Now it may not be resolved, but again, this is how to stop it.

 

[00:44:37] Tom Bartley: We've got the stop, the progression, the escalation, the intensity. 

 

[00:44:42] Staci Bartley: Absolutely. And it stops by doing this pause. And then instead of saying things like shut up, leave me alone. You're never home anymore. What's going on? Are you okay? I'm saying things like, I want to hear what you have to say, but not like this.

 

[00:44:56] Staci Bartley: Let's take a pause. Hey, I want you to know this relationship is really important to me. So I've got to stop or, Hey, I'm such a hot mess right now I'm not fit to be having this conversation. I'll come back in 10 minutes. There's our free resource that I'm going to encourage you to get over to Stacibartley.com/stopfight.

 

[00:45:15] Staci Bartley: And in this three-page download, I promise it will change your life. You can use fairy dust. That is the thing to do. That is the thing to practice. As you notice the progression of the fight, the first step is you got to notice the progression. You got to understand what's happening so that you can stop it.

 

[00:45:32] Staci Bartley: And it's a practice. So get this download. Practice with it, use it because it does have the power to stop the progression. So that we can stop feeling the pain and the shame and the regret that typically happens after a fight. And then we can steer our relationships in the directions that we absolutely want to go, which is more connection, more understanding, more appreciation, feeling like it's strong, it's capable and it's foundationally, healthy, and sound.

 

[00:45:59] Tom Bartley: And I would add the reason why it's so effective. Just think about it rather than being condemned and ending up in shame. With these different words that we're encouraging you to say this versus what we typically say, you're inviting, you're asking to be invited into someone's experience. So think about just, let's go to the physical.

 

[00:46:18] Tom Bartley: How about how good did we feel? Whether we receive an invitation in the mail or a digital invitation? I don't like, oh, wow. Even if we can't make think about it, thank you so much for thinking of me. So that's a much different experience than someone trying to condemn us and blame us in shame us. 

 

[00:46:34] Staci Bartley: We hope that you find that helpful.

 

[00:46:36] Staci Bartley: Get familiar with the, just to break this down in three seconds. We, unfortunately, our conversation needs to come to a close right now. I'm sure we'll come back and have this again. Get the download it's going to show you a lot about fairy dust, how to use it to stop a fight and then get familiar with that progression that we talked about.

 

[00:46:52] Staci Bartley: Withdraw, escalate, expose, demand, shame. Once I get familiar with it, then I can start working with it and give yourself a lot of grace. You know you're going to totally screw this up, probably just because it's happened so fast. So you're going to get all the way to shame and it's okay. Just come back and try again. It's about practice.

 

[00:47:08] Staci Bartley: It's about repetition. It's about learning to catch it and see it, and then you can stop it sooner and quicker. 

 

[00:47:14] Tom Bartley: And if you need some help, which oftentimes we do. That's what we do. We're very good at bringing safety and permission around a situation around couples where it doesn't exist. And that's exactly what we do.

 

[00:47:27] Tom Bartley: So we'd be honored to serve you. Yeah. 

 

[00:47:28] Staci Bartley: So let's take a break and then we're going to come back and have a little bit of fun. It's time to shift gears here. Let that all sink in. We'll be right back and we'll do a little follow the fun. 

 

[00:47:41] Tom Bartley: On.

 

[00:47:43] Announcer: Here's what one of Staci Bartley's client says about working with her. "Working with Staci has been life-changing in a very magical way. I wanted to work with Staci when I left the long-term marriage because I didn't want to repeat any of my relationships. How would you say unhealthiness? I'm so amazed how she has taken her experience and wrapped it into her own program, a program that is designed especially for you, for anyone that moves forward with her, she's unique, she's profound. She's, she's magical. She has a love for others that is unmatched and it would be a gift to yourself to work with Staci." Learn the simple three-step system to rescue your struggling relationship by registering for Staci's brand new free workshop. Reserve your seat by going to stacibartley.com/workshop.

 

[00:48:44] Tom Bartley: Welcome back, everybody, Tom and Staci. Great to have you inside the love shack. We're going to give you a little follow the fun. 

 

[00:48:50] Staci Bartley: Yeah. When you've got a morning where it's leisurely, maybe this weekend what I'm going to invite you to do is go to pulling up a horoscope. Now, I know don't roll your eyes. Some of us are horoscope driven.

 

[00:49:02] Staci Bartley: Some of us are not, I like to think of horoscopes as like a little snapshot where I get to look and say, Hmm, is this me or not me? Is this me or my partner or not? So I'm going to encourage you to inject a little bit of fun by going to you can doctor Google it. That's my favorite, right? Horoscopes for I'm an Aries Tom's an Aquarius, pull it up.

 

[00:49:22] Staci Bartley: Hey Aries do this. Aquarius does that. These are their strengths. These are their weaknesses. And as you look at those. Right. Either on your smartphone, if you want to be old school, print them off over a cup of wine, a cup of coffee, a cup of wine. That was funny. A glass of wine either in the evening or when you have a leisurely morning share back and forth about what you feel like resonates with you for being an Aries or an Aquarius. And what you think is like, that's ridiculous. I can't even relate to that. 

 

[00:49:50] Tom Bartley: Really have some fun. It's just some novelty. It's another way to approach, you know, where you may be, have some bridges, and where you may have some things. 

 

[00:49:56] Staci Bartley: Well, more importantly, you're sharing yourself. Like I relate to this. Oh, I totally do this. That's totally me. And I don't really relate to that. I think that's a bunch of hooey. Do you see me do that? There's a lot of really fun conversation and connection and sharing that can come about.

 

[00:50:10] Staci Bartley: If we use this horoscope as a way to kind of interject. So let's, let's spend a little fun now or spread a little fun. Right? 

 

[00:50:18] Tom Bartley: Spread some fun. Now we'll spread a little bit of love. 

 

[00:50:20] Staci Bartley: This is a wonderful woman that's going to be a guest on our show. Yeah. And she talks about being in your body and expressing with your body and feeling comfortable with that.

 

[00:50:30] Staci Bartley: And her little bit of love that she had to spread and share with all of us today is, and she has such a sexy voice. "Hello. My name is Jay siren and I'm a sensuality coach. I'm looking forward to being inside the love shack with Tom and Staci later this month as a guest. And the thought that I'm having today, that I'd like to share with you about love and relationships is that though time and energy are finite resources.

 

[00:50:57] Staci Bartley: Love is not. So where you feel it in your life acknowledge it. Elevate it and celebrate it in all of your relationships romantic or otherwise. I look forward to being together again with you inside of the love shack." 

 

[00:51:15] Staci Bartley: Man, isn't that sexy? I mean, come on, babe. That's a sexy voice. Yeah. 

 

[00:51:20] Tom Bartley: I'm looking forward to our conversation with Jay.

 

[00:51:22] Tom Bartley: It's going to be great. I mean, come on sensuality for me, sensuality. It's the all in all, it's the full expression in the experience of all of our senses, I would, I bet the root word comes, you know, seems to have similar. Some are letters. 

 

[00:51:35] Staci Bartley: And as we know, we all always end our show with a song, and today's song is Luke Bryan's do I?

 

[00:51:43] Staci Bartley: He says, do I have your love? Am I still enough? Tell me do I, or don't I? And can we give it one more try? And that's usually what we want to know at the end of a fight. Isn't it. We want to know. Do I have you, do I love you? Do you love me? Can we give us another try? So it's a perfect fit for our song this week.

 

[00:52:03] Tom Bartley: I love you. And I will give it another try even after our fight that we shared. 

 

[00:52:07] Staci Bartley: I know. You can access that playlist on any of our places where you find our podcast. That is a shop us Shopify, a Spotify playlist, and we have a song that's related to every single episode. Why don't we do that? Because we want you to feel, feel, we give you some things to think about, and then we give you some places where we want you to feel.

 

[00:52:29] Staci Bartley: And our incredible engineer right now is giving you some very cool video of this song. So it's time for us to say goodbye. That's it for today's love shack. Thank you so much for being here inside of the love shack with us, where we have conversations about love, sex, and relationships. We're dedicated to talking about the things that you want to listen to.

 

[00:52:50] Staci Bartley: So if you have a conversation or a topic that you would like us to speak about, please don't hesitate to reach out to us. 

 

[00:52:56] Tom Bartley: And I can't overemphasize please use, grab that free resource. You know, we've put a lot of time and thought into this and that's really what we feel is really going to move the needle.

 

[00:53:05] Tom Bartley: You know? So stacibartley.com/stopfight. You spell Staci with an I. Staci. 

 

[00:53:11] Staci Bartley: And a special thank you to Jay siren today for spreading some love. She's going to be so good. Come on back next week and join us for additional ways to improve your relationship. And by chance, if you found value in today, which I hope you have, in being here with us, take a moment right now and reach out and share this podcast.

 

[00:53:30] Staci Bartley: This episode with somebody that you know, could use that progression of a fight could use that download. We're here to support you in any way that we can on your love, sex, and relationship journey. You can find everything at stacibartley.com. And may we suggest, you begin with that resource we talked about. We're Tom and Staci Bartley, host of love shack live together with our incredible engineer, Eric rider.

 

[00:53:51] Staci Bartley: Thank you so much for being here with us today and spending some time with us inside the love shack.

 

[00:53:57] Tom Bartley: And we'll see you. Same time, same place next week. 

 

[00:54:00] Staci Bartley: Get your download.

 

[00:54:14] Announcer: Thanks for joining us today in the love shack, we hope you came away with something that made your toes tingle. To learn more about everything you heard on today's show. Go to Staci bartley.com/podcast. Love the show? Help us spread the love by sharing the show with others.

 

[00:54:34] Announcer: Okay. Time to go. We've got to close the doors to the love shack for this week. You don't have to go home, but you can stay here. Come back next week though, and join us for another edition of love shack. Live with Tom & Staci Bartley.